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Is this you?
I am very lonely.
I am less and less able to function independently.
I am disabled.
It is difficult for me to communicate in French or English.
I see few people apart from my spouse.
I have a substance abuse problem.
My spouse has a substance abuse problem.
My wife is going through some difficult times.
I am a responsible person and greatly concerned about
the well-being of all the members of my family.
In this brochure, the word
“spouse” indicates any
person with whom you have
or have had an intimate
and committed relationship.
Is this someone you know?
I stay with my spouse because:
I love her and she loves me.
I need her.
I want to protect my children.
I’m afraid of not being able to see my children.
I want to help her.
I want to save my relationship and my family.
I don’t know where to turn for help.
Marriage is important to me.
I don’t know what to do.
Do things like this happen to
My spouse:
Puts me down and humiliates me in front of my
loved ones, says I’m crazy, or reprimands me.
Belittles me in front of my children.
Makes fun of me, ridicules things that I say or do.
Breaks my things.
Always insists on knowing where I am.
Constantly criticizes me.
Uses my past against me.
Disparages my work, my friends, how I handle the children,
my appearance, my sexuality.
Constantly calls me at work.
Controls my spending, spends all my money.
no matter what
I kept trying not to make her mad, but
calling me
I did, it was never ok. She was always
e her. I was the
names. Eventually I started to believ
o didn’t
one who was sick. I was the one wh
myself.
understand her. I ended up despising
I was like a different person.
YES ?
These behaviours are all examples
This brochure
you? Have you seen them happen to someone else?
My spouse:
of domestic violence.
is for you.
Yells at me and insults me.
Pushes, punches, bites, pinches, scratches, kicks, or throws things at me,
is rough when helping me.
Threatens to hurt or kill me.
Threatens to hurt people I care about.
Threatens to take my children away.
Is always sending me hateful messages.
Threatens my work, my reputation, and my place in the community.
Threatens to go to someone else to hurt my feelings.
Is constantly contacting me by phone, text message, or email,
or following me even though we’re not together anymore.
Domestic violence
undermines intimate and
Your spouse repeatedly says and does things that hurt you.
She tells you what to do and makes all your decisions for you.
She promises to change, but continues to humiliate you
and be violent.
She makes you doubt yourself and tries to confuse you
by saying things are your fault or that you’re the one who’s violent.
She always said she was sorry.
At first you believe her because
you’re in love and you want her
to get over it. You tell yourself it’s
not her fault. She won’t do it again.
But it never stops, and it keeps
getting worse and worse.
She makes you doubt yourself by acting as if she is
the only one who knows what to think, do, or feel.
She hurts your reputation by revealing unpleasant things about you.
She is verbally or physically violent.
Domestic violence
Time, love, or better starts insidiously
committed relationships
Domestic violence
can occur in
heterosexual or
same-sex couples.
doesn’t stop by itself.
living conditions won’t stop it either.
A violent spouse looks like any other woman and may hold
a respectable position in society.
She may be well liked and nice with everyone else.
She may have good qualities and still be violent.
She may practise any religion or none at all.
She does not necessarily have mental health, alcohol, money,
or work-related problems.
Domestic violence
Psychological violence is less visible,
but just as devastating.
• Being repeatedly put down, called crazy, or ridiculed
about your body.
• Being ignored or treated with indifference.
• Being treated as disgusting or shameful.
• Having your movements controlled.
• Being threatened with not being allowed
to see your children.
• Being regularly prevented from seeing your friends
or loved ones, or from going to work.
These are forms of domestic violence.
Psychological violence destroys your self-esteem.
You end up believing what your spouse says. You feel stupid or crazy.
You think you are the one to blame.
beatings and physical
She kept telling me I was
a nobody. That I was going to end
up right back where I started—at
the bottom. That it was no wonder
everyone avoided me.
is not just
injury
Economic violence is less well known,
but just as humiliating.
• Having to beg for money.
• Having your spending controlled.
• Being forced to pay for everything.
• Being prevented from accepting the job you want.
• Having all your money taken because your spouse has an addiction problem.
These are also forms of domestic violence.
Repeated spousal neglect might seem
unintentional, but it isn’t.
• Having to wait to go to the bathroom or for other needs.
• Being deprived of your medications or being overmedicated.
• Being left for long periods in uncomfortable situations (on the toilet, for example).
These, too, are forms of domestic violence.
If you experience psychological
or economic violence or are a
victim of neglect, ask for help.
See the last page for
organizations that help men
who experience domestic violence.
Among all some are
• Threats
Such as threats to harm or kill you.
• Physical violence
Such as arm twisting, hitting, or shoving.
• Criminal negligence
Such as being deprived of medicine that you need to
survive, or food or care to the point where your life is at risk.
• Sexual violence
Such as being forced to engage in sexual relations
or unwanted sexual behaviour.
• Harassment
Such as being constantly phoned or followed
so that you fear for your safety.
• Forcible confinement
Such as being locked in a room or prevented
from leaving the house.
If you experience any of these forms of violence,
you can call 911 to report it and get protection.
You have a right
to security and respect.
These rights are guaranteed by the
Québec Charter of Human Rights and
Freedoms, and the Canadian Charter
of Rights and Freedoms.
forms of violence
considered crimes
Over time, forms of violence may evolve
and add to one another.
Over time, the frequency and severity
of violence can increase.
She was ripping up family
pictures and throwing them in
my face. When I tried to stop
her, she kicked me in the
groin. But the scariest time
was when she stabbed me
with the scissors.
Here are some
that might make you I don’t want to face this alone anymore.
I want to feel safe.
I want to get my confidence and self-esteem back, and
stop feeling guilty and ashamed.
I want to save my relationship and my family.
I want to find a way out and get my freedom back.
I want to find ways to protect myself, like arranging a signal to send
to someone I trust to call 911 in an emergency.
I want to stay alive.
If your safety or the safety
don’t hesitate of the reasons
decide to seek help
I stayed with her to protect the kids. I tho
ught
kids needed their mother—the family uni
t. But
I couldn’t stand the sadness in their eyes
when
they looked at me. I was ashamed. I wan
ted
them to have a different picture of their fath
er.
of your loved ones is threatened,
to call 911.
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Don’t face it alone.
Talk to someone you trust.
Even if you confide in someone,
you still have the right to make your own choices.
No one can force you
to leave your spouse or stay with her.
Do you know a man who is
If he trusts you,
Listen without judging
Believe him
More often than not, men who experience domestic violence
are not taken seriously. They constantly have to prove their
credibility, and are usually considered the prime suspect.
They rarely tell anyone about the violence they face because
they are afraid of being ridiculed or disbelieved by their loved
ones or by the police.
It takes a lot of courage to talk. The best way to help is to
listen without judging and try to understand the obstacles
he is facing.
experiencing domestic violence?
you can help
Tell him it’s not his fault
Men who experience domestic violence may feel guilt and a
sense of failure at having to ask for help. They may feel they
should have been able to handle the problem themselves,
and think of themselves as having been too weak to face it.
Many feel humiliated at not being able to satisfy their
spouse’s needs and expectations.
Victims often feel responsible for their spouse’s violent
behaviour. Violent spouses are often experts at blaming
the victim and denying their own violent behaviour.
Tell the victim that it’s the aggressor—man or woman—who is
responsible for his or her violent behaviour.
Respect his choices and let him
go at his own pace
Domestic violence is devastating. The road to restoring
self-confidence and taking back control of one’s life
can be long.
Here are some of the things that can lead a man
to tolerate violence:
–– The hope of restoring a loving relationship
–– The inability to see himself as a victim, because society
demands that men be stronger and more independent
than their spouses
–– The fear of being accused of being the aggressor, because
men seeking help for domestic violence are often viewed
with suspicion
Try to understand his experience and respect his choices.
Whether he leaves his spouse or not, you can point him
toward specialized resources to help him understand his
situation better. (See the last page of this brochure.)
Be supportive
Isolation plays a big part in domestic violence. This isolation
is often greater for men because society does not encourage
them to confide in others. In addition to feeling isolated,
victims can find it difficult to recognize their own needs and
express their feelings, fears, and sufferings.
Offer the victim your support. Talk with him. Let him know he
has the right to confidential assistance. If he wants to know
more, show him this brochure. If he wishes, offer to go with
him when he seeks help.
Fight prejudice and invisibility
Preconceptions are stubborn. In our society, men are still
expected to be independent, strong, tough, and self-sufficient.
Men who experience domestic violence may see themselves
as inferior because they don’t match these stereotypes.
These preconceptions make them feel ridiculed and
marginalized, and prevent them from seeking help.
The more isolated the victim, the more abusive his spouse
can be. Be open, and above all, don’t turn your back on him.
Remember, domestic violence
feeds on indifference…
Produced by the Secrétariat à la condition féminine.
Written by the Table de concertation en violence conjugale de Montréal,
with the collaboration of:
•Service d’aide aux conjoints (SAC) (www.serviceaideconjoints.org)
•Maison Oxygène (www.maisonoxygene.com)
•Option
•CSSS Pierre-Boucher
•Rudolf Rausch, training and consultation
Legal deposit: 2012
Bibliothèque et Archives nationales du Québec
Library and Archives Canada
ISBN: 978-2-550-65517-6 (printed version)
978-2-550-65518-3 (electronic version)
© Gouvernement du Québec, 2012
Resources
911 Emergency services
CALL FROM ANYWHERE
IN QUÉBEC
24 HOURS A DAY,
7 DAYS A WEEK
For immediate assistance if you are in danger
or are a witness to violence.
SOS domestic violence
1-800-363-9010
Info-Santé
911 (Voice) (TTY available in some regions)
310-4141 (in municipalities where 911 is not available)
*4141 (for cell phone calls)
514-873-9010
For information and referrals, such as CLSCs and other health
and social services centres (CSSSs)
811 (Voice)
SOS domestic violence knows where men who
experience domestic violence can find help.
This brochure is available in French, English and Spanish.
Please contact the Secrétariat à la condition féminine (SCF)
at 418-643-9052.
This free, confidential, and anonymous telephone
service specializes in domestic violence. With one
call, victims, their loved ones, and witnesses can
immediately get information, counselling, and
accommodation services.
These brochures are also available on the SCF (www.scf.gouv.
qc.ca) and the Table de concertation en violence conjugale
de Montréal (www.tcvcm.ca) websites in PDF or Word format
in English, French or Spanish. They can be found on the SCF
website under the Publications tab.
(calls from outside Montréal) (Voice and TTY)
(in Montréal) (Voice and TTY)