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Fat Beckett (1st ed. - 01.04.13) - fatbeckettCes
Copyright © 2013 Gab Cody
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For Mathilda and Anna
Cast of Characters
SOPIE, an adult woman of any ethnicity or age. The leader. The
straight woman. The elegant one. Sophie is dressed as an
explorer… with pearls. She wears a tidy outfit of khakis and
oversized hiking boots. Though she has been through a lot and
her clothes show wear, her make-up and hair are impeccably
done in the style of a Hitchcock blonde. She wears an enormous
padded ass which should come as a surprise to the audience
when she first turns around.
KIKI, an adult woman of any ethnicity or age. The follower. The
clown. The foolish, clumsy, low-brow one. Kiki wears her
relentless cheerfulness with the same good-natured aplomb
with which she wears the multitude of bags and purses slung
across her hugely pregnant belly. Her short skirt, bright tights,
long shirt and tiny sweater are mismatched. Though the colors
are dingy, Kiki is still a festival in and of herself. Kiki’s head is
crowned by long corkscrew curls in the brightest magenta red,
topped with a flower. If Sophie is the adult, Kiki is the child.
Time
Always.
Place
Everywhere.
6
Production Note
There are several magic tricks and magical props required for
production. These include chiefly: a magically expanding pointer
(starting at roughly 2 inches and expanding to about 4 feet), edible
paper, mouthcoils (tightly wound paper which is held in the mouth
and pulled out like a streamer) and a magic thumb for disappearing
objects. Other magical moments may be found in site-specific
productions. In the premiere, we were able to string rope beneath
the stage through two holes placed at either end of the playing
area. The rope could then be tugged from one side or the other, with
each respective side shortening or lengthening when the other was
tugged.
The performers should use their own names in place of “Gab” and
“Rita.” Feel free to improvise, and do change the details in the
sections that describe the actors and their relationship—I think it
will work best if you are truthful. And whereas you cannot take
credit for writing the piece, please say “I rehearsed this piece and
arranged for its presentation, etc.”
7
Author Note
Fat Beckett is the story of two women, Sophie and Kiki, trapped in
an existential everywhere. It is inspired in structure by Waiting for
Godot. Instead of waiting, these women embark in eternal search
for, not Godot, but their little lost goat, Biquette. Sophie is the
straight woman in charge of their existential expedition. Kiki is the
clown, driven by urges and emotion. The pair, like Didi and Gogo,
are fused; fated to travel always together. Fat Beckett is structured
as a pattern play. In perpetual repetitions Sophie and Kiki travel
through abstract and quotidian locales. Sophie and Kiki fight, love,
separate and reunite, sometimes taking on the mask of different
characters. Improvisation is a vibrant aspect of this play. Parameters
are given below for direct address to the audience. In all cases of
direct address the actors are encouraged to communicate with each
unique audience in a unique way, to look on all mistakes or foul-ups
as gifts, and to make it clear that they are making it up as they go
(aren’t we all?).
Rita and I met in theatre school. We immediately bonded over our
mutual likes: the French language, serious comedy and profiteroles.
We agree that the theatre we most enjoy watching is risky, bold,
adventurous work that in many cases takes months and years
to craft. In 2009 we began our journey to create Fat Beckett. After
watching our wonderfully talented male classmates perform a
scene from Waiting for Godot we wondered, “Where is the existential
clowning piece for us?” Comedy is a realm that still remains maledominated. Undaunted, we set out to create (using clowning,
buffoon and commedia techniques) a piece of highly physical theatre
that poses existential questions in the most ridiculous of situations.
Or a highly ridiculous piece of theatre that poses physical situations
in a mostly questionable existence. Or a ridiculously questionable…
well, you get the point.
Rita Reis and I owe a debt to the many collaborators who helped us
create this piece. We would like to thank all of our many teachers for
their inspiring mask, clowning and commedia guidance. Of course
this collaboration would not have been possible without the endless
creativity of our director Sam Turich and our visionary producer,
Karla Boos.
8
Acknowledgments
Fat Beckett was first presented as a reading at Bricolage Production
Company’s IN THE RAW series. It received its World Premiere at
Quantum Theatre in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania in December of 2011.
The production was directed by Sam Turich, with the following cast
and crew:
SOPHIE. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Gab Cody
KIKI. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Rita Reis
Scenic & Costume Design. . . . . . . . . . . . Kellan Andersen
ighting Design. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Scott Nelson
L
Sound Design. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Andrew Sours
Director of Production. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . R.J. Romeo
Stage Manager. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Michelle K. Engleman
Technical Director. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Reid Myers
All production groups performing this play are required to include
the following credits on the title page of every program:
Originally produced by Quantum Theatre, Pittsburgh,
Pennsylvania.
Fat Beckett was first presented as a reading at Bricolage
Production Company’s IN THE RAW series.
Special Thanks
Phyllis Reznek, Sam Turich, Natacha Ruck, Luis Pedro Coelho,
Cynthia Pearson and Tom Turich, Teresa Bento and Raul Reis,
Tami Dixon, Jeffrey Carpenter, Daryll Heysham, James Fitzgerald,
Andrew Huntley, Tammy Ryan, Robin Walsh, Karla Boos, Gale
McNeeley and Rodger Henderson.
9
Fat Beckett
by Gab Cody
in collaboration with Rita Reis
Scene 1
(The actresses playing SOPHIE and KIKI enter in house lights.
SOPHIE is an explorer. KIKI is massively pregnant. They address
the audience energetically, but conversationally. As SOPHIE
speaks, KIKI translates almost simultaneously into French.)
SOPHIE. Welcome! Welcome to the show this evening! We are out
here to welcome you and to encourage you to have a good time!
KIKI. Bienvenus! Bienvenus au spectacle de ce soir! On espère que
vous vous amuserez!
SOPHIE.Oh, I’m Gab Cody and this is Rita Reis.
KIKI.C’est Gab Cody et moi c’est Rita.
SOPHIE.I wrote this piece. In collaboration with Rita.
KIKI. Gab a écrit la pièce et moi j’ai, beaucoup, beaucoup, beacoup
collaboré, j’ai travaillé sur les traductions, le bilinguisme développement de personnage. Beaucoup, beaucoup, beaucoup.
SOPHIE. Yes. She. Was. Helpful. You should know that Rita was
born in Portugal, but she grew up in Luxembourg.
KIKI. Je parle beaucoup de langues, en fait je suis née au Portugal
mais j’ai grandi à Luxembourg et j’ai étudié en Belgique, je suis aussi
allée en vacances en Angleterre et j’aimerais beaucoup aller en Pologne.
SOPHIE. (Again waiting for KIKI to finish:) Yes. Yes. She had lots of
wonderful adventures and it was all very…European. There are
some things we should tell you. Please turn off your cell phones and
pagers—or beepers.
KIKI. On doit aussi vous demander d’éteindre vos portables et vos
bippers.
SOPHIE. Actually, if you have a pager or beeper, just build a time
machine and go back in time.
KIKI. Si vous avez un bipper, construisez une machine et “Back to
the Future”.
SOPHIE.I’m sorry. The translation for “back in time” is what?
KIKI.Back to the Future!
11
12
Gab Cody
SOPHIE.That can’t be. OK. BTW.
KIKI.OK. Beh. Tee. Double Vee.
SOPHIE.Please, no taking of photos or pictures, even mental pictures.
KIKI.Ne prenez pas de photos, même mentales.
SOPHIE. If you have candy, please give it to us, we need it, you’ll
see why.
KIKI.Si vous avez des bonbons donnez les nous, on en aura besoin,
vous verrez plus tard.
SOPHIE.We should also tell you a little bit about this play. We were
inspired to create this in response to Samuel Beckett’s Waiting for
Godot. Or God-O.
KIKI. On doit aussi vous parler un peu du spectacle. On a été
inspirées par la pièce de Samuel Beckett’s Waiting for Godot ou (With
opposite emphasis:) Godot.
SOPHIE. We feel it’s pretty important for you to have an understanding of that play. So we’re going to give you a primer. We’re
going to fill you in on everything that happens in Waiting for Godot
or God-O. This will lay the groundwork for what you’re going to see.
Kiki. On pense que c’est important que vous compreniez cette pièce
alors on va vous donner un primer. Comme ça vous aurez une base
pour ce qui va se passer après. Godot ou (With opposite emphasis:)
Godot.
SOPHIE.All right. In the play Waiting for Godot, there are two men.
KIKI. OK. Dans En Attendant Godot ou (With opposite emphasis:) Godot il y a deux mecs.
SOPHIE.Who wait.
KIKI.Qui attendent.
SOPHIE.For another man.
KIKI.Un autre mec.
SOPHIE.Named Godot.
KIKI.Qui s’appelle Godot. (With opposite emphasis:) Ou Godot. (Beat.
Then with opposite emphasis:) Ou Godot.
SOPHIE.OK. OK. Good. You’re all caught up.
KIKI.Maintenant vous savez tout.
SOPHIE.We’d also like to say thank you to our wonderful director,
Sam Turich.
Fat Beckett13
KIKI. On aimerait aussi remercier notre metteur en scène Sam
Turich. Il est vraiment très beau.
SOPHIE. Yes, yes, well, I hardly see how that’s important. Yes, the
director is good-looking.
KIKI.C’est son mari, c’est comme ça qu’elle a eu le rôle.
SOPHIE.What?! THAT IS NOT HOW I GOT THE ROLE! Ok. Fine.
Well. Please enjoy FAT BECKETT!
KIKI.Amusez vous avec FAT BECKETT!
(KIKI waddles off.)
(SOPHIE turns slowly around revealing her enormous ass. She
stomps upstage. SOPHIE accosts KIKI. They argue in French as
they drag a denuded tree downstage.
hey suddenly realize the audience can hear them. They freeze.
T
They smile broadly. KIKI places a lighting instrument as SOPHIE
pulls a shadow puppet screen across the archway.)
(SHADOW PUPPETS. A cliff. The puppet silhouette of a goat
enters. The goat leaps the chasm and disappears. The puppet
silhouettes of SOPHIE and KIKI enter. The puppets approach the
cliff.)
SOPHIE. (Offstage. Pointing down into an abyss:) Kiki! Look! I think
that’s the spot!
KIKI.(Offstage:) Sophie, our Biquette is there?!
SOPHIE.(Offstage:) Watch the cliff!
KIKI.(Offstage:) The what?
(Shadow puppet KIKI knocks Shadow puppet SOPHIE into the
abyss.)
SOPHIE.AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(KIKI falls after her.)
Kiki. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(Blackout. Their screams continue. They take a breath. Screams
continue. And continue. Breath. Continue screaming. And… silence.)
14
Gab Cody
Scene 2
(Lights up on KIKI and SOPHIE, asleep, splayed on the base of the
denuded tree. SOPHIE wakes, adorably. KIKI wakes, haphazardly.)
SOPHIE.Kiki?
KIKI.Oui, Sophie.
SOPHIE.This isn’t the spot.
KIKI.Non?
SOPHIE.It looked like the spot.
KIKI.Quand on était au fond du précipice, c’était ici.
SOPHIE. There must have been a fog. I know I thought I saw
elderberry bushes.
KIKI.What does an elderberry bush look like?
SOPHIE. I have no idea. That’s why I thought I’d finally seen one.
Biquette loves elderberry bushes!
KIKI.Did we take a wrong turn?
SOPHIE.Impossible. I have a compass-like sense of direction.
KIKI.We could use a compass.
SOPHIE. You can’t reason with a compass. I don’t want to be told
what to do and what is where. It’s all a question of perspective.
KIKI.What’s our perspective?
SOPHIE. Notre perspective est toujours notre perspective. An
inescapable truth. You see things the way you do because of your
experiences. Tell me about your childhood.
KIKI. My father suffered from lumbago. He left my mother and
took up with a nurse. When I was three he told my grandparents
that I’d been eaten by an alligator. I was dead to him.
SOPHIE.Abandonnée.
KIKI.Oui.
SOPHIE. Alors, c’est ta perspective. You can’t look at old people
without seeing the grandparents you lost.
KIKI.Or look at an alligator without feeling guilty.
SOPHIE.Absolument. Tout est relatif, n’est ce pas?
KIKI.I am an orphan.
SOPHIE.Shall we?
Fat Beckett15
(SOPHIE opens a square metallic makeup case to reveal stacks of
profiteroles.)
SOPHIE.Profiterole?
KIKI.I can’t eat.
(KIKI stuffs her face with profiteroles.)
SOPHIE.That last spot was divine. Perhaps we shouldn’t have left.
The rocks were softer. Regarde!
(They gaze into the distance.)
KIKI.C’est un super “spot.” La lumière luit.
SOPHIE. That was the perfect spot for being admired. We looked
very beautiful standing there. We had many admirers.
KIKI.We did?
SOPHIE.Think of the rabbits!
KIKI.The rabbits wanted our carrots. Do you have any left?
SOPHIE. Only profiteroles. I didn’t want to go, but something in
your eyes insisted we press on.
KIKI. That was a spider in my eye. J’avais une araignée dans l’oeil.
Even if a spider is a nice spider, nobody wants a spider in their eye.
SOPHIE.Well said.
KIKI.(Crying:) We shouldn’t have left! Tout était parfait la bas!
SOPHIE. Le temps avance et nous devons accorder nos pas avec
son inéluctable marche. On aurrait pu rester mais le monde aurait
changé autour de nous. And we must find Biquette; our dear little
lost goat! We can’t wait around all day, waiting and waiting and
waiting. Allons-y!
KIKI. I MISS MY SPIDERS! THEY LOVED ME! THEY REALLY
KNEW ME! ALL OF THOSE BEAUTIFUL SPIDERS! We were so
close sometimes the spiders would even nap in my eyes! IN MY EYES!
SOPHIE.We all must mourn the past arachnids. Aujourd’hui est le
premier jour du reste de ta vie. Regarde! I can’t see the spot anymore.
KIKI.Il n’y a plus que la lune.
SOPHIE.Hmmm, maybe that wasn’t the spot we came from anyway.
Hard to tell. Each spot we leave makes me miss the spot before.
Regrets. Maybe Biquette is hiding on purpose and we will never
find her. Juste des regrets.
KIKI.Sophie! Non! Nous devons continuer!
16
Gab Cody
SOPHIE.Je vais m’asseoir.
KIKI.Sophie! NO! We get fat when we sit!
(SOPHIE stands.)
SOPHIE. Pourquoi, Biquette? Pourquoi?! Our little goat, our dear
one, pourquoi tu as déserté? Our little fat Biquette!
(KIKI stands.)
KIKI. Ma Biquette. Ton succulent fromage de chèvre. You were a
wonderful little goat!
SOPHIE.Ma Biquette. What coarse multi-colored hair covered your
bony little body.
KIKI.Tes petites cornes.
SOPHIE.Your bleating made me feel whole.
KIKI.On a besoin de se sentir nécessaire pour se sentir exister.
SOPHIE.Maaaa maaaa maaaa
KIKI.bê bê bê bê bê bê bê bê bê bê
SOPHIE.Maaa Maaa Maaa
KIKI.bê bê. Maa bê bê. Maa…bê. Maa-bê. Maybe.
SOPHIE.Maybe.
(They travel.)
SOPHIE.Conservation.
KIKI.Conservation?
SOPHIE.C’est nécessaire.
KIKI.Parlez-vous francais?!
SOPHIE.Pas du tout. You?
KIKI. Not at all. I speak neither French nor English. O português é
uma lingua linda.
SOPHIE.Quel dommage!
KIKI.Sophie, where are we going?
SOPHIE.We’re following Biquette. We are going to Babel.
(Beat.)
KIKI.Blablabladiblabladabladadibblablabladbla—
(Beat.)
SOPHIE.Babel!
Fat Beckett17
KIKI.Blablabladiblabladabladadibblablabladbla—
(Beat.)
SOPHIE.Quickly!
KIKI.(Superfast babbling:) Blablabladiblabladabladadibblablabladbla—
(Beat.)
SOPHIE. If you take nothing in life seriously you will not have a
serious life.
(They travel.)
KIKI. Would you rather stay in one place your entire life or be
condemned to travel your whole life?
SOPHIE.Depends on the company. Though I would like to be able
to escape.
KIKI.Escape is good.
SOPHIE. What hell to be stuck in just one place waiting for something to happen.
KIKI.We choose to go out and get it. What if we never get there?
SOPHIE.Don’t talk nonsense. The world isn’t round. We’ll get there
eventually. Watch the cliff.
KIKI.Merci.
SOPHIE.Kiki, you know some women never have a goat.
KIKI.Maybe some women can’t have a goat.
SOPHIE.Pourquoi pas?
KIKI.I had an aunt who had barren fields.
SOPHIE. But some women have plush grass and still they don’t
have a goat. Watch the rope.
KIKI.Merci. Having a goat changes your life.
SOPHIE. Biquette is demanding, but still I love her. No one, not
even the rain has such sad eyes as ma Biquette.
KIKI.T’aimes les yeux tristes.
SOPHIE. Oui. Les yeux tristes sont plus honnêtes. I envy women
who don’t have any goats.
KIKI.Why?!
SOPHIE.More time to spend with their children. Watch the snakes.
(They scream and run. They collect themselves.)
18
Gab Cody
KIKI.Maybe we shouldn’t have had our Biquette? Then we wouldn’t
be here now. We could be doing meaningful things for ourselves.
SOPHIE. We could have been an astronaute ou un advocat ou un
scientifique nucléaire!
KIKI.Biquette ruined our physics and our physiques!
SOPHIE.We aren’t fat. We just must love ourselves more.
KIKI.There is too much of me to love.
SOPHIE.Then you must have a profiterole so there’s more of you to
love the more of you.
(They eat profiterole after profiterole and cry.)
KIKI.It is harder to stop eating than it is to starve!
SOPHIE. Le monde est une grande boule de feu. Il consomme ma
passion et détruit mon désir. Regrets! Des regrets, rien que des regrets.
KIKI.Sophie! Non!
(KIKI croons “Je ne regrette rien.”)
SOPHIE. J’abandonne. Je veux juste m’asseoir et attendre. Biquette
est peut-être morte.
KIKI.Impossible!
SOPHIE.Pourquoi?
KIKI.C’est Biquette! Elle ne peut pas mourir.
SOPHIE.But must we find Biquette?
KIKI.Je ne comprends pas.
SOPHIE.What if we stopped looking?
KIKI.Quoi?
SOPHIE.Maybe it’s meant to be—
KIKI.But who means it to be that way?
SOPHIE.Who indeed?
KIKI.If we stopped looking for Biquette, what would we do?
SOPHIE.Nous vivrions.
KIKI.Live without trying to get somewhere?
SOPHIE.Accept who we are. We can’t change our birth, our parents,
our alligators!
KIKI.Don’t blame the alligators.
Fat Beckett19
SOPHIE.Tout est prévu d’avance.
KIKI. Exactly! We are women who keep going! Des femmes qui
poursuivent leur chemin!
SOPHIE.Je ne suis pas une arriviste!
KIKI. Sophie! We must keep going! Biquette is there! We know
where we’re going! We have a destination!
SOPHIE.Non!
KIKI.A mission! A plan!
SOPHIE.Non.
KIKI. Sophie, we must. The search for Biquette is our purpose.
(Whispering:) It’s all we have.
SOPHIE.A raison d’être!
KIKI.You have raisins?
SOPHIE.I have my reasons. MAP!
KIKI.I love raisins.
Scene 3
(KIKI “turns on” the map. Lights shift as the walls of the space
become the map.)
SOPHIE. Kiki! My monocle! I need to see properly! My lorgnettes!
Binoculars! Bifocals! Telescope! Boule de crystal!
(KIKI scurries. KIKI places SOPHIE’s monocle in SOPHIE’s eye.
It falls out. She places it. It falls out. She places it. It falls out. They
give up.)
(Beat.)
SOPHIE. Let us reconnoiter. We started here resting peacefully
amidst the verdant underbrush. With Biquette. She would stand on
the roof of a car over here and eat the leaves from these trees—
KIKI.And she ate garbage—
SOPHIE. Only the best garbage. All was well until the wars. Les
blessés! Les morts! There were refugee camps set up here, along
these perimeters. We were given numbers, arm bands. We were
being sent away—
KIKI.Driven out!
20
Gab Cody
SOPHIE.We had to traverse this treacherous terrain. Here: a lagoon
teeming with—
KIKI.Don’t blame the alligators.
SOPHIE.Here a swamp swimming with—
KIKI.Everyone is always blaming the alligators.
SOPHIE.The days were difficult the nights were filled with—
KIKI.Alligators.
SOPHIE.We escaped detention by following the well-marked path.
Ah, the well-marked path. What a comfort.
KIKI.C’était le bon vieux temps.
SOPHIE. We were free to do exactly what we were told to do. The
roadside inns! The boxed meals.
KIKI. The Americans dropped their stuff from planes for us. They
threw their old TVs so that we could watch their TV shows.
SOPHIE.So much American shit falling from the sky.
KIKI.It was really Chinese shit.
SOPHIE.Fine. American planes—Chinese shit.
KIKI.They make the planes in Germany.
SOPHIE. Fine. German planes. Carrying Chinese shit dropped by
Americans—
KIKI.They hired sub-contractors—
(Beat.)
KIKI.Albanians mostly.
SOPHIE.Well, where are the Americans?
KIKI. In America, of course! Why would they leave? It’s so hard to
get in! It’s the land of milk and homeys.
SOPHIE.Excuse me?
KIKI.It’s the land of milk and homos.
SOPHIE.Quoi?!!
KIKI.I love AMERICA!
(SOPHIE returns to the map.)
SOPHIE. America was wonderful. All we needed was more. The
need filled the hole. We were happy then, Kiki! Weren’t we?!
KIKI.Des Cercles! Des Cercles! C’était étourdissant.
Fat Beckett21
SOPHIE.Ça ne dérange personne de marcher en rond s’il ne se rend
pas compte qu’il ne sort pas du même cercle. We were able to leave
this demilitarized zone and cross the holding ponds. (Indicating the
map:) Ici et ici et lá.
KIKI.Where we lost Biquette.
SOPHIE.The wide open is no place for a house goat.
KIKI.She is clever.
SOPHIE.Not clever enough to avoid the water.
KIKI.It was salty. How could she know? She is a goat—not a chemist!
SOPHIE. Here, using our protective suits we were able to travel
beyond the proscribed borders. We knew we were traveling—going
somewhere.
KIKI.Past the moonlit mountains—
SOPHIE.Beyond the forest of anon—
KIKI.We waded in the stream of consciousness—
(Lights shift. A punched tin lantern throws images on the walls
and ceilings.)
SOPHIE.Candles—
KIKI.Nighttime—
SOPHIE.Parachute—
KIKI.Flying ducks—
SOPHIE.Farrah Fawcett—
KIKI.Jealous husbands—
SOPHIE.Sodden barrels—
KIKI.Des maris jaloux—
SOPHIE.Elephants and monkeys and tigers—
KIKI.The metro—
SOPHIE.Smelly feet—
KIKI.Jealous husbands.
SOPHIE.We could have been lost there.
KIKI.We ran out of meds.
SOPHIE.But then we discovered the bounty of profiteroles.
KIKI.Will they never stop?
22
Gab Cody
SOPHIE.Not ’til the world stops spinning. SO. Here we are—
KIKI.No, no, Sophie. We are here.
SOPHIE.Tu te trompes, Kiki. We clearly traveled through this bog,
that morass, through those swamps, up that mountain, through
those unlit-caverns, swam through these underground caves,
reached that summit, took the cable car to this street and walked
over to here!
KIKI. Sophie—I am not a person who likes conflict. You know this.
But, nous sommes clairement entrées dans cette forêt, après nous
avons traversé ces champs infestés de mines anti-personnelles, on
s’est ensuite démenées pour arriver au sommet de cette montagne et
nagé pour traverser cet océan. We are very obviously ici.
SOPHIE.Fine. You are ici. Careful, it’s icy ici.
KIKI.I see.
SOPHIE.But I am over here.
(They contemplate.)
KIKI.It’s strange to be close to you but obviously so far apart.
SOPHIE.There’s no other explaining it. I suggest you continue along
that route there. Beware the exploding geysers and disenfranchised
antelope. I will continue along this stream here whose banks are
covered in soft moss and violets until I reach this clear mountain
spring and bathe naked with an adventurous twenty-four-year-old
blacksmith.
KIKI.Maybe I was looking at the map upside down.
SOPHIE. Not at all. You are completely correct. My path takes me
this way alone.
KIKI.I could meet you there?
SOPHIE. Kiki! Look at everything there is between us. You would
travel for weeks, years—and by the time you reached me, I would be
gone. No, it is clear. You are way over there, by the parking lot and I
am over here by the aforementioned clear mountain spring. I travel
alone. Profiterole?
(KIKI eats a profiterole.)
SOPHIE.I have fed you a profiterole. Now, we part.
Fat Beckett23
Scene 4
KIKI.But I have a ticket!
SOPHIE.Impossible.
KIKI. From my father. It was his ticket. He left it in my crib. I have
a ticket! Wee!!!
SOPHIE.Verification.
KIKI.I have a ticket! Wee! You have to let me come! There’s nothing
you can do! AHAHAHAHA I have a ticket!!!!!!!
SOPHIE.Identification? Passport?
(KIKI hands over the passport.)
SOPHIE. (With the suspicious exhaustion of a customs official:) Very
well. Have a seat, madam—
KIKI.—moiselle.
SOPHIE.Unmarried. (She writes notes in her notebook.) Your billet?
(KIKI hands her the ticket. SOPHIE eats it.)
SOPHIE.Your ticket is delicious.
KIKI.Quoi?
SOPHIE. Your ticket expired. Opportunities are not everlasting. If
you do not seize them they evaporate into thin air.
KIKI.My e-ticket is in the cloud.
(They scan the sky.)
SOPHIE.(Beat.) Do you know anyone here?
KIKI.I met a man at a party. He gave me his card.
SOPHIE.Hmm.
KIKI.Please don’t eat it.
(SOPHIE eats it.)
SOPHIE.Touriste?
KIKI.Oui. Non? C’est mauvais?
SOPHIE.Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all. Driver’s
license?
KIKI.I’m walking.
SOPHIE.Walking license?
KIKI.I can’t find it. I left my license in my other purse.
24
Gab Cody
SOPHIE.Are you traveling alone?
KIKI.Oui. Toute seule. And someone has got my goat!
SOPHIE.No even-toed ungulaœtes allowed without proper immunizations and permits.
KIKI.Here is her collar.
(SOPHIE eats it.)
SOPHIE.I have to screen you.
KIKI.Will it hurt?
SOPHIE.Yes. What is the supreme law of the land?
KIKI.Might makes right.
SOPHIE.What is the “rule of law”?
KIKI.Follow the rules. Unless you made the rules. If you’re a diplomat
then park wherever you like. If you are above the law or can squeeze
under the law you are all also OK.
SOPHIE.Anything to declare?
KIKI.J’ADORE LES CHIENS!
SOPHIE.Anything else to declare?
KIKI.I have une pomme.
(SOPHIE snatches the apple and throws it offstage.)
SOPHIE.That apple could spread knowledge.
KIKI.Quoi?!
SOPHIE. J’ai dit—Your apple could spread disease. Here, we have
very strict rules regarding produce and pests. That apple might have
mites or could have had other critters who wanted to crawl their way
into our country and eat all of our apples. No pests allowed in our
country. NO PESTS ALLOWED! (Beat.) I’ll have to check your bag.
(KIKI clutches her bag.)
SOPHIE. Only people who have done something wrong have
something to hide.
(KIKI unzips her backpack. SOPHIE pulls out egg after over-sized
egg. They both stare at them for a moment.)
SOPHIE.I wouldn’t put all of my eggs in one backpack.
KIKI. Je n’ai pas mis tous mes œufs dans le même panier. (She pulls
one out of her pocket.) I have one here.
Fat Beckett25
(She places a chicken egg on the table. Beat. The women stare at it.)
SOPHIE.Combien d’œufs avez-vous?
KIKI.Fewer every day.
SOPHIE.Avez-vous des poulets?
KIKI. I’m too young for chickens. And besides, some women don’t
want chicks.
SOPHIE.Some women want only chicks.
KIKI.Touché.
SOPHIE.Where’s your rooster?
KIKI.Must I have a rooster?
SOPHIE.You’ll need your rooster to sign these documents.
KIKI.We’ve parted ways.
SOPHIE.No matter. We still need a rooster’s signature. Do you plan
on selling your eggs?
KIKI.Can I visit them?
SOPHIE. You need a carte spéciale to sell your eggs. We’ll need a
blood sample, a stool sample and a psychological profile. Fill out
these forms in triplicate.
(KIKI struggles to fill out the form. SOPHIE creeps away and
surreptitiously eats Kiki’s hardboiled egg. She hands the shell to
an audience member while telling the audience “you can watch,
but quietly.”)
KIKI.MY EGG!
SOPHIE.Hmmm?
KIKI.YOU ATE MY EGG!
SOPHIE.You seem upset.
KIKI. AHHHHH! MY EGG! Mayday! Mes oeufs! Mes oeufs! Sans
mes oeufs je ne suis pas une femme! YOU!
(KIKI pursues SOPHIE. Lights up on SOPHIE and KIKI at
opposite sides of the stage, holding ropes. SOPHIE pulls her rope
up from the floor. Kiki’s rope lowers into the floor. KIKI pulls
her rope up from the floor. Sophie’s rope lowers into the floor.
SOPHIE tugs, tugs, then KIKI releases her rope and SOPHIE flies
backward. Blackout. Lights up on KIKI and SOPHIE center stage.
SOPHIE pulls a long streamer from her mouth while KIKI shouts
encouragements: “C’est incroyable! C’est extraordinaire!” Blackout.
26
Gab Cody
Lights up on SOPHIE and KIKI side by side facing upstage. SOPHIE
slowly turns around, peering through her binoculars, finally finding
KIKI who growls like a ferocious lion. They scream!)
(Blackout. Their screams continue. They take a breath. Screams
continue. And continue. Breath. Continue screaming. And… silence.)
Scene 5
(Lights up on KIKI and SOPHIE, asleep, splayed on the base of the
denuded tree. SOPHIE wakes, adorably. KIKI wakes, haphazardly.)
SOPHIE.Kiki?
KIKI.Oui, Sophie?
SOPHIE.This isn’t the spot.
KIKI.Non?
SOPHIE.From the air this looked like the spot.
(The sound of an airplane.)
SOPHIE.KIKI! Hurry! We are going to miss our connection!
(They drag the tree from center stage to stage left.)
SOPHIE.Conservation.
KIKI.Conservation?
SOPHIE.Conserve your energy.
KIKI.Conservation d’énergie.
SOPHIE.C’est necessaire.
KIKI.(Excited:) Sophie! Parlez-vous français?
SOPHIE.Pas du tout. You?
KIKI. Not at all. I speak neither French nor English. O português é
uma lingua linda.
SOPHIE.Quel dommage! How will we ever communicate?
(They pull out two large matching suitcases from beneath the
audience’s chairs.)
SOPHIE.Whatever. What should I take?
KIKI.Whatever. How long is the trip?
SOPHIE.Whatever. Indefinite.
KIKI.Whatever. The weather?
Fat Beckett27
SOPHIE.We’ll weather the weather, whatever the weather.
KIKI.What?
SOPHIE.Whatever.
KIKI.The weather?!
SOPHIE.Whatever. Changeable.
KIKI.Whatever. You have a black dress?
SOPHIE.Bien sûr.
KIKI.Whatever. Local customs?
SOPHIE.Whatever. In some places I must cover my entire body, in
others I must bare my entire body.
KIKI.Whatever. Razor?
SOPHIE.Bien sûr. (She holds up a battery-powered shaver.)
KIKI.That was Biquette’s! What would Biquette pack?
SOPHIE.Biquette would be happy with the horns on her head and
the fur on her back.
KIKI.And a little black dress!
SOPHIE. Bien sur! No one goes anywhere without a little black
dress—even Biquette!
KIKI.N’oublie pas ta brosse à dents!
SOPHIE.Which shoes?!
KIKI. You need something that’s practical. It must be waterproof,
but chic, easy to hike and swim in, but also appropriate at un cocktail
impromptu ou un mariage ou une visite à la Queen. A sandal,
perhaps?
SOPHIE.Biquette was satisfied with only her hooves!
KIKI. Though she let me paint them, red! Her little red hooves and
shapely horns. She was bewitching!
SOPHIE. She tolerated the attention, but it was never her. She is a
natural beauty.
KIKI.Remember when we were in Algiers?
SOPHIE.The crowded markets, the thick perfumes, the swarthy men.
KIKI.I was like a young girl. My desires were written on my face. I
had a large-print edition book face.
SOPHIE.Don’t forget Biquette was nearly roasted alive.
28
Gab Cody
KIKI.She never forgave us.
SOPHIE. She said we let it happen; that we looked the other way
because she was only a goat.
KIKI.She spoke to you?!
SOPHIE.With her eyes. She’s a goat! Her sad, accusing eyes. Those
eyes that could see through me, making me feel like vapor. I have
traveled all this way and I am still the same person. I am standing
still, drooping more and more perceptibly to the ground. I am
melting. I am a candle.
(SOPHIE throws herself, face down, onto the tree.)
KIKI.You need sunglasses. That’s a must. And sunscreen. And sun
balm.
SOPHIE.Whatever.
KIKI.And lip balm.
SOPHIE. And conditioner and shampoo and soap just in case and
toothpaste and toothbrush and hair brush and hat and scarf and
the black pants and tan pants and short pants and shorts and linen
blouse and summer dress and bra and girdle and strapless bra and
sweatpants and jogging bra and tank top and—
KIKI. —little black dress and shawl and jacket and parka and skirt
and fashionable belt and des bouteilles, des boîtes, des cadeaux, des
gateaux, des chaussettes, des chaussures, des cheveux, des chevaux—
SOPHIE. —and two books: one to read and one to be seen reading and magazines and my telephone and my computer and all the
work I haven’t done and won’t do but if I leave it at home I’ll blame
you for keeping me from working and my feminine products—both
kinds—and my protection: my slicker and rain boots and rain hat
and umbrella and my snow boots and skis and my snow shoes and
my bikini. Creams for growing more hair and creams for removing
all my hair.
KIKI. Les tampons, les vibrateurs, beaucoup de sexe, les bikinis, la
crème à resserrer la crème épilatoire la crème déserrante foque de
merde et les grand titties!
SOPHIE. And some things for Biquette—her treats and her blanket
and her whistle and her music and let me see, an insurgency, a
democracy, a kleptocracy and there’s just room to squeeze in the
plutocracy here at the top.
Fat Beckett29
Scene 6
(Lights shift. KIKI hides behind the tree. The sound of an airplane.
SOPHIE enters First Class and with much meticulousness arranges
her belongings before she takes the window seat. She reads an
expensive fashion magazine, and speaks with a thick French accent.)
ANNOUNCER. ( KIKI:) Bonjour et bienvenue à bord. Aujourd’hui
nous volons avec deux pilotes: Jean-Pierre et Pierre-Philippe. Pour
votre divertissement de nombreux programmes de télévision et de
radio sont à votre disposition. Pendant notre vol nous diffuserons
aussi le film: “Jules et Jim.” Veuillez attacher votre ceinture et replier
votre tablette pendant le décollage. Il est interdit de fumer, de manger,
de respirer, d’avoir des idées. Interdit de penser. Interdit l’amour.
Interdite la vie. Interdit d’aimer, de vivre. Si vous avez froid et voulez
une couverture vous devrez payer un supplément de cinquante euros.
En español: Hola! Hoy volamos con dos pilotos Miguel y Juan. Se
hàgan por favor cómodos. Hai programas televisivos y programas de radio para su diversión. En el vuelo de hoy mostraremos la
película: Cheech y Chong “Up in Smoke.” Mantenga por favor sus
mesas de bandeja en la posición vertical. No se puede comer, fumar,
no se puede respirar. Ningunas ideas. Ningunos pensamientos.
Ningún amor. Ninguna vida. Si tiene frío y desea una manta devra
pagar un suplemento de cincuenta euros. In American: Welcome
aboard and ruh rah rur rah ruh ruh rah. Your Pilots ruh rah rur rah
ruh ruh rah Kevin and Skip ruh rah rur rah ruh ruh rah Television
ruh rah rur rah ruh ruh rah radio ruh rah rur rah ruh ruh rah movie
“Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey.”(KIKI waddles in.)
KIKI. Hello! Oh thank GOD! All those people. They’re like mooing
cows! Luckily I have my zapping wand! Bzz! Bzz! It is police-issue
so of course it cost a fortune; but it’s worth it; it really clears the way!
Bzzz. Bzzz.
SOPHIE. (French accent:) Excusez moi, but the sign is still on: no
smoking, no thinking, no talking, no breathing, OK!
(Airplane chime.)
KIKI.I need food! Where are the flight servants?
SOPHIE.OK.
KIKI.You wanna cookie?
SOPHIE.Non. Merci.
KIKI.They’re diet cookies—filled with chocolate and tapeworms!
SOPHIE.Merci. Mais non.
30
Gab Cody
KIKI.You can’t be too thin or too dead.
SOPHIE.Too rich.
KIKI.Hmmm?
SOPHIE.You can’t be too rich.
KIKI.Amen to that sister! Are you super-rich?
SOPHIE.Excusez-moi?
KIKI. Do you have lots and lots and lots of money? I love money! I
have lots and lots and lots of money!
SOPHIE.Oh, oui?
KIKI.I spent millions just this morning.
SOPHIE.Bravo.
(KIKI douses herself with cologne.)
SOPHIE.Comme des chèvres.
KIKI.Pardon?
SOPHIE.You have nice perfume.
KIKI.I am the only one who has this smell!
SOPHIE.Ah. Oui. Why not take a private Jet?
KIKI.I get lonely.
SOPHIE.Ah. Oui.
KIKI.Time for my amuse-douche!
(KIKI hides behind the tree.)
ANNOUNCER. ( KIKI:) Nous avons éteint les signes d’interdiction
de fumer. Puisque aucun d’entre vous ne pense, vous n’existez pas.
Donc aucune boisson ne sera servie. Vous n’aurez pas non plus de
Coq au vin, de Croque monsieur, de Crêpes ou de Champagne. En
español: Vamos hacer una fiestal! Volamos! La vida es una celebración!
Se Debe tener sed de vivir! Tacos! Enchiladas! Sopapillas! E cerveza!
In American: ruh rah rur rah ruh hamburger cheeseburger baconburger steakburger friedchickenburger pizzaburger hotfudgesundaeburger, fatburger, catburger and Coca-Cola!
(KIKI waddles back to SOPHIE.)
KIKI.Did you know I had my uterus and ovaries cryogenically frozen
so that I could wait for the right time?
SOPHIE.Ah. Oui?
Fat Beckett31
KIKI.I’m sixty-five!
SOPHIE.Wow.
KIKI.My surgeons are my biggest charity!
(They laugh mirthlessly.)
KIKI.Not to be rude, but, um, how—
SOPHIE.One hundred and seven.
KIKI.OH WOW! How?
SOPHIE.I’m French. (Beat.) I wash my face with only water.
KIKI.Do you have kids?
SOPHIE. I’m waiting for the right moment. As they say in the
America: roo roo ruhr ro ree rook.
KIKI. You speak American! How recherché! Roog roob roor rooth
roob rur.
SOPHIE.Roo-Hoo! Roo roob roo rool ing roob roo.
(A terrible plane crash. They scream. Blackout. Their screams
continue. They take a breath. Screams continue. And continue.
Breath. Continue screaming. And…silence.)
Scene 7
(Lights up on KIKI and SOPHIE, asleep, splayed on the base
of the denuded tree. SOPHIE wakes, adorably. KIKI wakes,
haphazardly.)
SOPHIE.Kiki?
KIKI.Oui, Sophie.
SOPHIE.This isn’t the spot.
KIKI.Non?
SOPHIE.From my despair this looked like the spot.
KIKI.It looked golden like elderberry wine.
SOPHIE.Fog. I forgot to open my parachute.
KIKI.Write a letter and complain! That’s outrageous!
(Sophie removes her tiny notebook and writes. She tears the
page out, rolls it up and stuffs the paper into a balloon.)
SOPHIE.What should I tell them?
32
Gab Cody
KIKI.Tell them your parachute was eaten by an alligator and you’d
like a refund. And a year’s supply.
SOPHIE.Of what?
KIKI.Alligators of course.
SOPHIE.Don’t blame the alligators.
KIKI.It’s just my perspective.
SOPHIE.Fine. I’ll send the letter.
(SophiE blows up the balloon.)
KIKI.By the way I—
(SOPHIE silences her.)
KIKI.But I—
(SOPHIE silences her.)
KIKI.It’s very important I—
(SOPHIE silences her again and motions her away.)
KIKI.(Stomping away:) FINE!
(During the following, SOPHIE finishes blowing up the balloon,
attaches a string to the balloon and ties it to the tree.)
SOPHIE.(To the audience, simultaneously with KIKI:) Some people. They
just don’t appreciate how difficult it is to blow up a balloon. I mean
c’mon. It’s no easy task. And in front of people. You can imagine the
pressure. And now a string, that just compounds the difficulty. Tying
it here, like this. A lot could go wrong. People just don’t appreciate
the skill. And now (Tying it to the tree:) this is a slip knot, called so
because of the slipping. There. Pretty awesome. (Joining KIKI:) OK.
What is it?
Kiki.(Muttering to herself, simultaneously with SOPHIE:) Ah! les beaux
jours de bonheur indicible Où nous joignions nos bouches!— C’est
possible.
—Qu’il était bleu, le ciel, et grand, l’espoir!
—L’espoir a fui, vaincu, vers le ciel noir.
KIKI.I saw Biquette.
SOPHIE.Why didn’t you say?! What’s the matter with you?!
KIKI.(Growl of frustration.)
SOPHIE.YOU SAW BIQUETTE?!!
KIKI.Shhh.
Fat Beckett33
SOPHIE.You saw Biquette?
KIKI.We were down below. She was at the top of this very mountain
standing on her hind legs and waving.
SOPHIE.Where did she go?
KIKI.A vision! A vision!
SOPHIE.Biquette is gone. Everything is wrong. We did everything
wrong.
KIKI.No, everything happens for a reason.
SOPHIE.But how do you know what the reason is?
KIKI.This must be the plan.
SOPHIE. Regrets. Just des regrets. Je vais m’asseoir. Je veux juste
m’asseoir et attendre.
KIKI.Sophie we must keep going. We must find our Biquette.
SOPHIE.You’ve let me down, Kiki. I believed in you. But you don’t
exist.
KIKI.I do!
SOPHIE.What are you thinking right now?
KIKI.My mind is blank—
SOPHIE.You think not therefore you aren’t.
KIKI.It’s your fault.
SOPHIE.What?
KIKI.I’m not saying it’s your fault but somebody has to be to blame.
SOPHIE.So you’re saying it’s my fault?
KIKI.I would never say that.
SOPHIE.You just did.
KIKI.No, no, no. Sophie. You’re mistaken. You’re always doing that.
SOPHIE.Doing what?
KIKI.Taking reality personally.
SOPHIE.I am?
KIKI.You can’t help it. It’s just you. But you should at least try to be
aware of it.
SOPHIE.I should.
34
Gab Cody
KIKI. And if you could stop doing all those things you do all the
time I think everybody would appreciate it. Right now we need
someone to blame.
SOPHIE. So you take no responsibility whatsoever for giving me
all the blame.
KIKI.No one’s blaming you. It’s not me, I’m just a person, but maybe
you’ve grown enough to see how your behavior is responsible for
your situation.
SOPHIE.I blame society.
KIKI.Your choices brought you to this place.
SOPHIE.I have choices?
KIKI.Past the moonlit mountains—
SOPHIE.Beyond the forest of anon—
KIKI.We waded in the stream of consciousness—
(Lights shift. A punched tin lantern throws images on the walls
and ceilings.)
SOPHIE.Candles—
KIKI.Nightrhymes—
SOPHIE.No Parachute—
KIKI.Crying ducks—
SOPHIE.Farrakhan Fawcett—
KIKI.Jealous husbands—
SOPHIE.Super soused sots—
KIKI.The merry jello—
SOPHIE.Elephants and monkeys and tigers—
KIKI.The metro—
SOPHIE.Smelly poor—
KIKI.Jealous roosters.
SOPHIE.We could have been lost there.
KIKI.We ran out of drugs.
SOPHIE.Too true. But then we discovered the bounty of profiteroles.
KIKI.Will they never stop?
SOPHIE.Not ’til the world stops spinning. SO—here we are—
Fat Beckett35
KIKI.No, no, Sophie. We are here.
SOPHIE.I am a compass. I am cantilevered. I travel alone.
KIKI.I have a ticket!
SOPHIE.I have an appetite.
KIKI.I have a ticket! Wee! You have to let me come! There’s nothing
you can do! AHAHAHAHA! I have a ticket!!!!!!!
SOPHIE.(She writes in her notebook:) Your billet?
(KIKI hands her the ticket. SOPHIE eats it.)
SOPHIE.Your ticket expired.
KIKI.Quoi?
SOPHIE.Your thoughts are liars. (Beat.) Do you know anyone here?
KIKI.I met a man at a party. I married him for money.
SOPHIE.I see.
KIKI.He ate me alive.
SOPHIE.Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.
KIKI.Yay! Le fun!
(Disco lights. Disco music. KIKI rises and sways as she sings “Le
Bateau de l’Amour!”)
SOPHIE.Are you traveling alone?
KIKI. Oui. Toute seule. Toujours toute seule. Until the end of time
and when it begins again I’ll be alone again.
SOPHIE.You cruise through life without a care.
KIKI.I need only food, shelter and love.
(SOPHIE throws a light switch. The music and lighting effect
disappear.)
(KIKI reclines. She tans. She sips a cocktail. She eats profiteroles
throughout the following.)
SOPHIE. Let’s review your itinerary. Welcome to the Queen of the
Night cruise line. I see you have bought the full package which is
the only package we offer—so let’s get you set up—A-S-A-P. There’s
an all-day and night open buffet, and a bar with free drinks and a
Champagne fountain filled with edible mermaids—hors-d’oeuvres,
mid-d’oeuvres and after-d’oeuvres and, thankfully, the vomitorium
is accessible from both the upper and lower decks. Of course all of
our staff is here to service you sexually assuming they have unlimited
36
Gab Cody
access to your genitals. Your day-long genital awareness panel and
workshop will require an extra fee but we highly recommended it as
you’d be surprised at how many of our guests have trouble finding
their own genitals.
KIKI.Is the buffet open?
SOPHIE. Welcome to the Queen of the Night cruise line. I see you
have bought the full package which is the only package we offer—
so let’s get you set up—A-S-A-P. There’s an all-day and night open
buffet and a bar with free drinks and a Champagne fountain filled
with edible mermaids—
KIKI.I was wondering—is the buffet open?
SOPHIE.Welcome to the Queen of the Night cruise line. Everything
is edible. You will have unlimited service from the genital mermaids
in the fountain. I see you have a full package—so let’s get you hors
d’oeuvred—A-S-A-P. W-T-F, P-Y-T, K-I-T, B-F-F, W-T-F. Enjoy your
cruise.
KIKI.Before you go. I wanted to ask?
(SOPHIE places her finger on KIKI’s mouth to shut her up. She
then turns to the audience, speaking to them directly.)
SOPHIE. Audience? Hi. Hello. Could we bring up the house lights
please?
(Note: as with the opening improvisation, these are the good beats
to hit, but an open, improvisational attitude should be maintained.
The audience will sometimes respond or do unexpected things or
join in the conversation. Accept these as the gifts they are.)
SOPHIE. Hi. I’m Gab Cody. I was in the show earlier. Rita? Could
you please come translate?
They obviously don’t understand what I’m saying. This is Rita. She
was also in the show earlier. You might remember her? Very funny.
Crazy hair? Adorable attitude?
Kiki. Moi c’est Rita j’étais dans le spectacle avant. Peut être que
vous vous souvenez de moi, très drôle, adorable.
SOPHIE.OK.
KIKI.OK.
SOPHIE. SO. We understand at this point that you have all been
through a lot. And about this time, you need a morale boost.
KIKI.On comprend qu’à ce point du spectacle vous êtes passés par
beaucoup de choses. Et vous avez besoin d’un boost de moral!
Fat Beckett37
SOPHIE.(Beat.) Yes, obviously, based on that response, you need a
morale boost! So. We have some very exciting news. Tonight, in this
audience, there will be a winner! A WINNER! Yes! Yay! To win all
you need to do…
KIKI.Ce soir dans ce public il y aura un gagnant! Pour gagner vous
devez…
SOPHIE.Rita, will you please demonstrate?
KIKI.Rita peux tu démontrer? Oui.
SOPHIE.Rita is going to reach under her chair and pull out a number.
(Rita approaches her campstool, reaches under it and pulls out a
number.)
KIKI.Rita va prendre un numéro sous sa chaise.
SOPHIE.(In response to the audience’s stillness:) Demonstrate means,
“show how to do.”
KIKI.Démontrer veut dire montrer comment faire.
SOPHIE.Very good. Everyone reach under your chair and pull out
a number. Ok. We’ll wait. Some of you are slower.
KIKI.Certains sont plus lents.
SOPHIE.This is a participate at your own speed audience. We don’t
judge.
KIKI.Chacun a son rythme, nous ne jugeons pas.
SOPHIE. OK. Now everyone look at your number. From here on
out, let’s just all refer to each other by our numbers. All right. I am
now going to choose a number.
KIKI.Tout le monde a un numéro? Elle va choisir un numéro.
SOPHIE.Using a randomizer.
KIKI.En utilisant un randomizeur.
SOPHIE.In my head.
KIKI.Dans sa tête.
SOPHIE.Beepbabeepbaboo. Beepbabeepbaboo.
KIKI.Pippapupapa. Pipapupapaa.
SOPHIE.Why is it always different in French?
(KIKI smiles.)
KIKI.Pourquoi est que c’est toujours différent français?
38
Gab Cody
SOPHIE.Beepbabeepbaboo
(A beat.)
KIKI.Pippapupapa.
SOPHIE.The number is six! The number six!
KIKI.Numéro…six! Numéro six. Numéro six!
SOPHIE. You aren’t even looking at your numbers. Oh you’ve
memorized them? Very clever! The number six!
KIKI. (Genuinely surprised, holding up the number six:) Oh! Oh! C’est
moi!
SOPHIE.What are the odds?
KIKI.Quelles sont les probabilités…
(SOPHIE grabs KIKI’s number “6” and flips it.)
SOPHIE.That’s a nine. You understand. She’s foreign.
KIKI.Je suis étrangère.
SOPHIE. Ok, once again, choosing another number. Using the
randomizer in my head. Sir, please do not eat your number.
KIKI. Monsieur! Ne mangez pas votre numéro! En utilisant le
randomizeur dans sa tête. On va choisir un autre numéro.
SOPHIE.Beebabeebaboop. The number twenty-one! Yes, you! You’re
a winner! Congratulations! Ok. Sit tight. We are going to choose another number. Beebabeepbaboop the number … forty thousand!
KIKI.Pippapupapa. Vingt et un! Bravo! Nous allons choisir un autre
numéro. Pippapupapa numéro…quarante…mille.
SOPHIE.Yes! Another winner!
KIKI.Un autre gagnant! Bravo!
SOPHIE. All right, please stand up both of you and walk to the
aisle. There you are. Go! Go! Safety first. Good, good. Now, please
switch seats. You take her seat, she takes your seat. There you go.
Quickly but safely. Fast! Like rabbits!
KIKI.Allez, allez! Sécurité d’abord. Levez vous et échangez vos places. Comme des lapins!
SOPHIE. (Once they are seated and after introducing them to their new
friends:) You have won a change of perspective! Everything is different from where you are now! Amazing!
KIKI. Vous avez gagné un: Changement de Perspective! Tout sera
différent a partir de maintenant.
Fat Beckett39
SOPHIE. (Suddenly grave and portentous:) What a thing, to see two
people change so much in such a short period of time. They say
people can’t change and yet tonight we’ve all witnessed something
very special.
KIKI.C’est magnifique de voir deux personnes changer autant en si
peu de temps. On dit que les gens ne changent pas mais ce soir nous
avons été les témoins de quelque chose de très spécial.
SOPHIE.We now return to Fat Beckett,
KIKI.Nous retournons maintenant a Grosse Beckett.
SOPHIE.Already in progress.
KIKI.Toujours en cours.
(Beat.)
KIKI & SOPHIE.AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
(Blackout. Their screams continue. They take a breath. Screams
continue. And continue. Breath. Continue screaming. And… silence.)
Scene 8
(Lights up on KIKI and SOPHIE, asleep, splayed on the base of the
denuded tree. SOPHIE wakes, adorably. KIKI wakes, haphazardly.)
SOPHIE.Kiki?
KIKI.This isn’t the spot. Where are we going?
SOPHIE.No idea.
KIKI.Past the moonshine mountains—
SOPHIE.Beyond the four nuns.
KIKI.We waded and screamed because we were conscious—
(Lights shift. A punched tin lantern throws images on the walls
and ceilings.)
SOPHIE.Candies—
KIKI.Night blindness—
SOPHIE.Parasites—
KIKI.Flying fucks—
SOPHIE.All is Farrah Fawcett in love and war.
KIKI.Jealous roosters.
40
Gab Cody
SOPHIE. Unlimited revolving opportunity. We could have been
lost there!
KIKI.We ran into thugs.
SOPHIE.But then we discovered the bounty of profitable pyramid
schemes.
KIKI.Will they never stop?
SOPHIE.Not ’til the world stops spinning. SO— here we are—
KIKI.We are over here!
SOPHIE.We are? I was looking for someone or someone was looking
for me?
KIKI.I was looking for someone.
SOPHIE.You were?
(KIKI picks up the rope and hands Sophie a number.)
SOPHIE.I have a ticket.
KIKI.Bueno.
SOPHIE.Hablas Inglés?
KIKI.Sí.
SOPHIE.This is the bus stop?
KIKI.Donkey Stop.
SOPHIE. I will ride a donkey. I am here to have an authentic
experience. To learn the essential truths from simple people. To
ride a donkey. (Long beat. Referring to the end of KIKI’s rope.) That’s
a lovely donkey.
KIKI.This is my donkey. SHUT-UP, CHICKENS!
SOPHIE.Your donkey seems excited. Is she afraid of chickens?
KIKI.No! No! Mira! Mira! She want cake! Today is so especial. Here,
it is festival—
SOPHIE. (Overlapping:) —A festival?! That’s just what I’m looking
for—
KIKI. (Overlapping:) A festival of the, (To herself:) how you say? (To
SOPHIE:) bomiting donkeys.
SOPHIE.Vomitting?
KIKI. Bomitting donkeys. Before sunrise the women of my billage
rise and all day bake the most glorious cakes. Los niños spend hours
rolling confectionery sugars into beads and flowers. The bibid reds
Fat Beckett41
of the flowers are drawn from pomegranate juices and the green
is drawn from a cactus-like plant that every spring sheds tears for
Jesus’ madre.
SOPHIE.How beautiful.
KIKI.They dress the cakes like the most pretty boda cakes.
SOPHIE.Boda? (She looks it up in her little book.)
KIKI. Tarta de boda. Bedding. Bedding cakes! The finest and
sweetest fruits that have been turned into jams are used to fill the
moist cakes. At sunset, the cakes are place on a long table in the
middle of the square. The oranges and reds of the dying sun, casting
heavenly beams upon the glistening layers of sugar and lard. The
most beautiful birgins then leads the donkeys into the square and
hand-feed the donkeys all of the cakes. I am one of the birgins.
SOPHIE.Virgin?
KIKI.Birgin.
SOPHIE.What does birgin mean in your language?
KIKI. There are not so many donkeys. Maybe twenty. They feed
the donkeys the cake all night until the donkeys cannot take it. The
donkeys bomit. Then the strong men gather the bomit and fry it into
flat greasy squares upon which the billagers feast.
SOPHIE.These donkeys that vomit? (Correcting herself:) That bomit?
KIKI.Jes?
SOPHIE.They enjoy the cakes?
KIKI.Oh, jes. They love them. Every year they practically stampede
the birgins to get to the cakes. I think the older ones tell the little
ones, too—because even if the donkey is not a year old, it still knows
about the cakes, it seems—you want some?
SOPHIE.Uh…uh…no. I’m a vegan.
KIKI.Began?
SOPHIE.Vegan.
KIKI.What does began mean in your language?
SOPHIE. I’ve never had sex. Are there any goats involved in these
rituals?
KIKI.Excuse me?! What did you say?!
SOPHIE.A goat (Looking it up, then in Spanish:) una cabra?
42
Gab Cody
KIKI. (In Spanish:) Usa cabra! És el diabo! Ela está a falar do diabo
(In English:) GO! YOU! SICKLADY! (In Spanish:) Cruzes credo satanás! Não me fale de cabras! Mulher do diabo, vá se embora! (Crossing herself.)
(SOPHIE desperately looks up words in her little book.)
SOPHIE.(In Spanish:) Yo tenía una cabra muy agradable.
KIKI. (In Spanish:) Puta! Puta SICK WOMAN! DISGUSTING! GO!
GO!
SOPHIE.I don’t understand. I’m simply searching for my goat. My
cabra.
KIKI. YOU WITCH! YOU RED-HEADED DEVIL! DO NOT SPEAK
TO ME OF GOATS!
(KIKI runs off cursing in Spanish, spitting and crossing herself.)
SOPHIE.Shut-up, Chickens!
(KIKI wanders back, eating profiteroles.)
KIKI.Sophie, don’t let the chickens get you down.
SOPHIE.I try so hard to help.
KIKI. C’est la danse des canards, qui en sortant de la mare, se
secouent le bas des reins et font coin-coin. Fait’s comme les petits
canards et pour que tout l’monde se marre, remuez le popotin en
f’sant coin-coin…dia de festa, bailam sem parar, vamos lá bailar tu e
eu sob o azul do céu, e sobre o mar.
(They perform the chicken dance.)
(Terrible bus crash!)
SOPHIE & Kiki. AHHHHHHHHHHH!
(Blackout. Their screams continue. They take a breath. Screams
continue. And continue. Breath. Continue screaming. And… silence.)
Scene 9
(Lights up on KIKI and SOPHIE, asleep, splayed on the base of the
denuded tree. SOPHIE wakes, adorably. KIKI wakes, haphazardly.)
(KIKI storms off.)
SOPHIE.Kiki, where are you going now?
KIKI.I am going to find contentment.
Fat Beckett43
SOPHIE.Mais, ce n’est pas existe.
KIKI.I will find it! I will find BIQUETTE!
(She goes.)
SOPHIE. You need me! I know how to find it. I have an excellent
sense of direction, provisions, tickets, passes, visas, approvals, a
taste for adventure and an unbreakable will.
KIKI.Out of my sight!
SOPHIE.You! Out of my sight. Go! Go!
KIKI.Didi?
(They perform a “mirror bit” ala the Marx Brothers in Duck Soup.
It resolves with SOPHIE strangling KIKI.)
SOPHIE. Man will die alone, should live alone and must always
travel alone!
KIKI. But nous sommes des femmes. We would have reached her
but you slowed us down!
SOPHIE.I’m not a duck; I can’t fly!
KIKI.We should have taken the metro!
SOPHIE.You saw Biquette, but you didn’t say!
KIKI.You are just jealous!
SOPHIE.Your thoughts are orphans!
KIKI.Biquette drank too much and you ignored it!
SOPHIE.She had troubles!
KIKI.On lui trouvait toujours des excuses! Elle a gâché Noël quand
elle a mangé le sapin!
SOPHIE.T’es qu’une sale connasse!
KIKI. T’es qu’une sale chienne et je te déteste! NON! RIEN QUE
MOI! RIEN QUE MOI! ELLE N’AIMAIT QUE MOI! JE SUIS LA
SEULE QUI MERITE D’ETRE AIMEE. JE SUIS LA SEULE A SAVOIR
SOUFFRIR!
SOPHIE.T’es qu’une grosse salope!
KIKI.Salle pute je te déteste!
SOPHIE.Mais va te faire foutre sac à merde!
KIKI. Allez dégage connasse, va te faire mettre! SHE RUINED
CHRISTMAS!
THIS PLAY IS
NOT OVER!
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