This is France — Social Etiquette

Nr 8 – August-September 2007
This is France — Social Etiquette
How to behave in public in any circumstance? This is not always an easy question for
expatriates. French social etiquette has its set of non-written but quite strict rules of
behaviour. At the same time, there is a refreshing tendency among young people to deal with
social relations in a more relaxed and less formal way, putting aside some of the more rigid
and constraining attitudes of the older generations. Most French people, if you manage to
establish a good relationship with them, will be indulgent about the little mistakes of etiquette
that you may make. But we know from experience how embarrassing it can be to realize that
one has done or said something which may seem impolite to others. You will certainly feel
more comfortable if you do things the way they are habitually done. And this is also a very
good way to adapt to another culture. One of the definitions that cultural anthropologists have
applied to the term culture is that it is all that is necessary to know and do in order not to be
constantly taken for a foreigner. To reply to several requests expressed by our readers in our
recent survey, we have listed in this series of articles a few of the behavioural stances that
would be best to adopt, or not to exhibit, as the case may be, in various interactional situations
and for a variety of often-delicate circumstances of everyday life in France, followed by
suggestions for the most appropriate language to use. This first article explains how to
behave with several categories of persons that you will inevitably encounter one day or
another.
The neighbours
When they move to a new apartment or house, the French don’t introduce themselves
systematically to their new neighbours. It all depends on the place, the context, and even the
region. It is much more usual to introduce oneself to one’s neighbours in the country than in
the city, but this is not always the case in housing developments. Sometimes your new
neighbours will find it totally normal that you visit them to introduce yourself, but in other
places they might find it a bit surprising, and might show some unwillingness to reciprocate.
If you have any doubts, it is better to wait for some time, to observe their reaction when you
run into them, and to remember to smile to them each time or say something positive and
friendly, and, little by little, you will be able to determine whether or not you can start a
conversation, introduce yourself, and even invite them for an aperitif at your home. Don’t
forget, however, a very important thing: unless you know them very well or you are already
good friends, the French will generally consider it very indiscrete if you ask questions about
their private life, their work, or even about where they go on holiday… You can start talking
about the weather, the construction work in the neighbourhood, or you can ask them advice
about the best shops or which plants grow best in the region. And you can also talk about
yourself, explain why you have chosen to live in this city, but don’t expect the other persons
to do the same. This will come later, but you may sometimes wait for months before getting
to know more about them! And, of course, as soon as a nice neighbourly relationship
develops, you can take turns inviting each other for a drink or a meal, which is one of the best
ways to integrate and to improve one’s French.
Note: When you are invited to a diner or a drink, you have to know that it is impolite in
France to come early! It is always better to arrive with 10 to 15 min delay… And don’t
forget, when invited to a diner, to bring a bouquet of flowers or a bottle of wine!
Banks, administrations, local authorities, shops…
Civil servants and other officials of any public service, including banks and insurance
companies, are generally quite formal, and rigid, both in the way they dress and how they
relate to the public. Below, a few simple rules to follow if you want to create the best
possible impression, something that could have a profound impact on the outcome of your
dealings with them:
What you wear for the occasion should be sober and without extravagance. A tie is not
necessary for men, but in certain more formal circumstances it could definitely help. A skirt
or a dress for women is likewise not always necessary, but avoid wearing a pair of shorts and
a sloppy t-shirt if you hope to obtain a loan from your banker, for example.
Greetings are an important element of social interaction in France. When you enter a public
office, including the post office or the bakery, it is a good thing to say “Bonjour”. And “Au
revoir”, or even, “Au revoir, bonne journée!” when you leave. It is usually the same in an
elevator. However, it is, unfortunately, often not well received to start up a conversation with
the person next to you in a bus or a metro or in the checkout line at the supermarket. And
don’t forget to say “Bonjour” to the cashier, but only after she has completely finished with
the previous customer.
When to shake hands? This is another often difficult question. In general, the French shake
hands with each other far more often and in more varying circumstances than do the British or
the Americans, but it all depends on the situation. At the counter or windows of the mairie or
the préfecture, or even of the bank, you won’t shake hands. But if you have an appointment
with your bank advisor or insurance agent, it is almost always done. Shop owners usually
don’t shake hands with their customers, but it is almost always done with workers and/or
repairmen who come to your home, such as plumbers or chimney sweeps or someone who
lays tile. It is best to let the person whom you meet take the initiative. If he/she extends a
hand to you, shake it firmly while looking at the person, and don’t forget to say hello and to
personalize it: “Bonjour Madame” or “Bonjour Monsieur”. The same ritual is repeated when
you/they leave.
The kiss on the cheek? As a matter of principle, you don’t do it with persons whom you
don’t know well or with whom you have a strictly administrative relationship. But as soon as
you have established a closer relationship with someone, for example, with your colleagues at
work, or with the members of a sports or cultural club, it is not rare that men and women, or
women among themselves (never between two men) give each other a big kiss on each check,
both when greeting and saying goodbye again afterwards. (the number of times, 2, 3 or 4,
depends entirely on the region) You also give a kiss on the cheek to your neighbour as soon
as you become rather good friends. But here again it is advisable to let the other person take
the initiative when you are not sure! Sometimes the French simply place their cheeks together
and kiss the air instead of really kissing the other person’s cheek.
Le savoir-vivre en France
Comment se comporter en public en toutes circonstances ? C’est une question pas toujours
facile pour les expatriés. La politesse française a ses règles non écrites mais assez strictes,
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même si les jeunes ont, et c’est heureux, une tendance à aborder les relations sociales de
manière plus détendue et moins formelle, en laissant un peu de côté certaines des attitudes un
peu rigides et contraignantes de leurs aînés. La plupart des Français, si vous arrivez à établir
une bonne relation avec eux, seront indulgents à l’égard des petites erreurs de savoir-vivre que
vous pourrez commettre. Mais nous savons par expérience combien il peut être gênant de se
rendre compte que l’on a fait ou dit quelque chose qui peut paraître impoli à nos
interlocuteurs. Nul doute que vous vous sentirez plus à l’aise si vous sentez que vous faites les
choses “comme il faut”. Et c’est aussi un très bon moyen de s’adapter à une culture différente.
Une définition que des anthropologues ont donné du terme culture est qu’il renferme tout ce
qu’il est nécessaire de savoir et de faire de manière à ne pas constamment être considéré
comme un étranger. Pour répondre à plusieurs demandes exprimées par nos lecteurs lors de
notre récent sondage, nous vous énumérons dans ce dossier quelques-unes des attitudes qu’il
serait préférable d’adopter, ou non, selon le cas, en diverses situations et circonstances parfois
délicates de la vie en France, et quelques suggestions du langage le plus approprié à chaque
cas. Ce premier article vous explique comment se comporter avec diverses catégories de
personnes que vous ne pourrez manquer de rencontrer un jour ou l’autre.
Les voisins
Lorsqu’ils aménagent dans un nouvel appartement ou une maison, les Français ne se
présentent pas systématiquement à leurs nouveaux voisins. Tout dépend du lieu, du contexte,
et même de la région. Il est bien plus fréquent de rendre visite à ses voisins à la campagne
qu’en ville, mais ce n’est pas toujours le cas dans les lotissements. Parfois vos nouveaux
voisins trouveront tout naturel que vous alliez les voir pour vous faire connaître, mais en
d’autres lieux ils trouveront cela un peu étonnant, et auront peut-être un manque de volonté de
vous rendre la pareille. En cas de doute, mieux vaut donc laisser passer quelque temps,
observer la réaction de vos voisins lorsque vous les rencontrez, en n’oubliant jamais de leur
sourire et de leur dire un petit mot gentil et amical, et peu à peu vous verrez si vous pouvez
entamer une conversation, vous présenter, et éventuellement les inviter à prendre l’apéritif
chez vous. N’oubliez jamais toutefois une chose très importante : à moins que vous les
connaissiez très bien, ou soyez déjà très amis, les Français jugeront de manière générale très
indiscrètes toutes les questions que vous leur poserez sur leur vie privée, leur travail, même
leur lieu de vacances… Vous pouvez commencer par parler du temps qu’il fait, des travaux
dans le quartier, puis leur demander conseil sur les meilleurs magasins, ou sur les plantes qui
poussent le plus facilement dans la région. Et vous pouvez aussi parler de vous-même,
expliquer pourquoi vous avez choisi d’habiter cette ville, mais sans attendre que la personne
en face de vous fasse de même. Cela viendra peu à peu, mais vous devrez parfois attendre des
mois avant d’en savoir davantage ! Et bien sûr, dès qu’une sympathique relation de voisinage
s’installe, vous pourrez vous inviter à tour de rôle à boire un verre ou partager un repas, ce qui
est l’un des meilleurs moyens de s’intégrer, et d’améliorer son français.
Note: Lorsque vous êtes invité à un dîner ou à un apéro, sachez qu’il est impoli en France
d’arriver en avance ! C’est toujours mieux d’arriver avec 10 à 15 mn de retard… Et n’oubliez
pas, pour les invitations à dîner, d’apporter un bouquet de fleurs ou une bouteille de vin !
Les banquiers, administrations, autorités locales, commerces…
Les fonctionnaires et autres employés de services publics, y compris les banques, assurances,
sont généralement très formels, et rigides, tant dans la manière dont ils sont habillés que dans
leurs relations avec le public. Voici quelques règles simples à respecter si vous voulez donner
la meilleure impression possible, ce qui pourrait avoir une grande influence dans la manière
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dont ils vous considèreront :
La tenue vestimentaire que vous porterez à cette occasion doit être sobre, sans
extravagance. La cravate n’est pas nécessaire pour les hommes, mais en certaines
circonstances plus formelles elle peut vraiment aider. Les jupes ou robes pour les femmes ne
sont pas toujours nécessaires non plus. Mais dans tous les cas évitez de porter un short et Tshirt débraillé si vous espérez obtenir un crédit de votre banquier, par exemple.
Les salutations sont un élément important des relations sociales en France. En entrant dans
tout lieu public, y compris La Poste ou la boulangerie, il est bien vu de dire “Bonjour”. Et “Au
revoir” ou même “Au revoir, bonne journée !” en partant. C’est en général la même chose
dans un ascenseur. En revanche il est souvent (et c’est bien dommage !) plutôt mal vu
d’entamer une conversation avec son voisin de bus ou de métro, ou avec un autre
consommateur à la caisse du supermarché. N’oubliez toutefois pas de dire aussi “Bonjour” à
la caissière, mais seulement quand elle a fini avec le consommateur précédent.
Quand serrer la main ? Une autre question pas évidente. De manière générale, les Français
se serrent la main bien plus souvent et dans des circonstances bien plus diverses que ne le font
les Anglais ou les Américains, mais tout dépend de la circonstance. Au guichet de la mairie,
de la préfecture, ou même de la banque, on ne vous serrera pas la main. Mais on le fera
presque systématiquement si vous avez un rendez-vous avec votre conseiller de banque, ou
votre assureur. Les commerçants ne serrent généralement pas la main de leurs clients, mais
c’est presque toujours le cas des petits artisans, comme les plombiers, ramoneurs ou carreleurs
qui viennent chez vous faire des réparations. Le mieux est de laisser votre interlocuteur en
prendre l’initiative. S’il vous tend la main, serrez-la de manière ferme, en le regardant en face,
sans oublier de lui dire bonjour en personnalisant : “Bonjour Madame” ou “Bonjour
Monsieur”. Et le rituel est le même en partant.
Quand faire la bise ? En principe jamais avec les personnes que l’on ne connaît pas ou avec
lesquelles on a une relation uniquement administrative. Mais dès que vous avez établi une
relation plus étroite avec quelqu’un, par exemple vos collègues de travail, ou des membres
d’un club sportif ou culturel, il n’est pas rare que les hommes et femmes, ou les femmes entre
elles (mais jamais les hommes entre eux !) se fassent une grosse bise sur les deux joues, aussi
bien pour se saluer en arrivant que pour se dire au revoir en repartant (selon les régions, on
fera deux, trois ou quatre bises à chaque fois...). Vous pouvez aussi faire la bise à votre voisin,
dès l’instant que vous êtes devenus d’assez bons amis. Mais là encore, si vous avez un doute,
mieux vaut laisser les autres en prendre l’initiative ! Parfois les Français approchent
simplement leurs joues et embrassent l’air plutôt que d’embrasser réellement la joue de l’autre
personne.
Annick Stevenson
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A few useful commonly used expressions
A vos souhaits !
The expression you say to a person next to you who sneezes, even if you don’t know him/her.
A tes souhaits ! would be used for someone you say “tu” to
A votre santé ! / A ta santé !
A la vôtre ! / A la tienne !
Tchin-tchin !...
A few equivalents of “Cheers” when you start the aperitif or sometimes for the first drink at
lunch or diner.
Bon appétit !
When you begin the first course at lunch or diner.
Bon anniversaire !
Joyeux anniversaire !
Two ways to wish someone a happy birthday.
Bon/joyeux anniversaire de mariage !
Happy Wedding Anniversary!
Bonne chance !
Yes, it means “Good luck!” But for some superstitious persons using the word “chance” is
supposed to bring bad luck.
The most accepted way to say good luck in such cases, if you really mean it and want to wish
someone good luck, is to say: “Merde!” or: “Merde puissance 13!”…
It will make the person very happy. Be careful, if he/she replys: “Merci !”, then it is bad luck
again… Therefore, better not say anything.
Bon courage !
Another expression that can be used instead of “bonne chance”, especially if someone has a
rather difficult chore to accomplish.
Salut !
Another less informal way, used quite often by young people, to say “au revoir” but which is
more and more used to say “bonjour” too... We know this can be confusing, therefore; it
would be better to listen first to what people around you say before starting to say it too. The
difference in the meaning is conveyed by the tone you use in each case. Listen carefully to
the audio link so that you can understand the difference.
In some regions of France, such as the Savoies, or in Switzerland, “salut” is a very usual term,
even more so than “bonjour” sometimes, and is used mainly as a greeting. The accent in these
regions is special too, as you can hear from the audio.
Ciao !
An Italian word which is used quite frequently in French now. It usually means “au revoir”,
but sometimes “bonjour”… Again, just listen to the sound to hear the difference.
Bonne route !
Bon retour !
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Something to add after saying “goodbye” to guests who are leaving in order to wish them a
safe trip home again.
And if you hear : “Un petit dernier pour la route?”, it means that the person is just
suggesting to have a last drink before leaving, which you are quite justified to refuse if you
are going to drive (“prendre la route”).
Bon voyage !
Bonnes vacances !
The obvious “Have a good trip!” “Have a good holiday!”
Le vocabulaire de la politesse
Avoir la bonne attitude = to have the right attitude.
La bienséance = an outdated expression that dates from the 17th century which refers to a set
of prescribed rules of proper behaviour.
Les bonnes manières = idem; a little outdated too.
Etre bien/mal élevé(e) = to behave well/badly. It literally means to have been brought up
well or badly. Cet enfant est mal élevé !
L’étiquette = etiquette. Proper etiquette in French is used mainly in reference to official
events and not so much for private life, in which case one refers more to la politesse, or le
savoir-vivre.
La galanterie = Gallantry is supposed to be typically French, but sometimes the young
generations have a tendency to forget it, and it is rarely exhibited by French drivers.
Une incivilité = an act of rudeness or vile behaviour. The expression is not very commonly
used, but can be applied to relations with authorities: une incivilité envers un employé de
mairie...
La politesse/être poli(e)/impoli(e) = politeness/to be polite/impolite.
Etre présentable = to be presentable
Savoir se comporter/se tenir en public = to know how to behave in public.
Avoir du savoir-vivre = to know how to behave in any circumstance.
Etre vulgaire = to be rude or vulgar.
Le baisemain
Today, this habit has almost completely disappeared from everyday life, except for certain
diplomatic or official occasions (one could frequently see former President Jacques Chirac do
it when greeting an important female head of state or diplomatic personality). The
baisemain is a word which doesn’t exist in English and is usually replaced by ‘kissing of a
lady’s hand’. It was mainly used as a gesture of respect. Sometimes it may still happen that
young men do it, either towards an older woman, or else with a young one, to express his
admiration and love in another way. Depending on how it is done, and by whom, either the
young woman may react by laughing , or she will appreciate it and be moved...
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Le flirt à la française
If you are single living in France, most French teachers might agree that having a relationship
with a French person will greatly enhance your acquisition of French. There are a few
noticeable differences between Anglo-Saxon and French cultures on how a man typically
approaches a woman. French men are known to be flirtatious and sometimes a bit too
persistent. We would first of all like to explain how a French man might approach a woman
followed by some examples of the typical language used when a woman wants to refuse the
moves a man makes on her.
When smoking was in fashion, a man always had an easy excuse to go up to a woman and ask
Est-ce que vous avez du feu ? (Do you have a light?). He would then smoothly move to start
up a conversation. Smoking has today become less and less popular, so in a café other
questions might pop up, such as, Est-ce que je peux emprunter votre journal ? (May I borrow
your newspaper?) or anything that justifies asking a question, or simply On ne se connaît pas
? (Don’t we know each other?). Sometimes the man might sit at the table next to you and start
a conversation by making a joke or a comment on something he sees. Laughing and joking are
part of the seduction phase. Typically the French person will not ask blunt questions such as
“Where do you live?”, “What do you do for a living?”, “Are you married?” but will casually
tell a joke and hope to get a good laugh or a smile back. Eventually he might make a
compliment such as Vous avez un beau sourire ! (You have a beautiful smile!) or Vous avez
des yeux magnifiques ! (You have beautiful eyes!). If he comes and sits at a woman’s table,
then he might offer to buy her a drink: Je peux vous offrir un verre ? (Can I buy you a drink?)
or Je peux vous inviter à dîner ce soir ? Je connais un très bon petit restaurant ! (Can I invite
you to dinner this evening? I know a very nice little restaurant!). Things can just naturally
flow into an evening with a nice meal.
The interesting difference that one might find between the English/American cultures and the
French culture when we first meet a person is that they will not reveal a lot about themselves
and will not ask any questions regarding your professional or family status until you’ve had a
few get-togethers. What’s more common is to discover each other’s personality and to have
fun with the seduction phase of a new relationship. Usually the man wants to show the woman
that he is a gentleman, and will pay for the restaurant meals, will bring some flowers and
continue with after dinner drinks. Of course, there are no strict rules, but these are the typical
French actions that are all part of the seduction process.
Céline and Vincent Anthonioz
A few useful expressions...
At times you might be relaxing at a café and someone is trying to put a move on you and
being quite insistent about it. You, on the other hand, would prefer to be left alone. What are
some of the expressions you could use to tell that person to gently ‘bug off’`? Here are some
suggestions:
Laissez-moi tranquille SVP (s’il vous plaît) ! = Leave me alone, please!
Je voudrais être tranquille ! = I would like to be left alone!
Monsieur, arrêtez d’être si persistant ! = Sir, stop being so persistent!
Je ne veux pas que vous me suiviez = I don’t want you to follow me.
Arrêtez de me poser la question ! C’est non ! = Stop asking me! The answer is no!
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Non, merci ! je voudrais être seule ! = No thank you, I would like to be alone!
Ça suffit, laissez-moi ! = That’s enough, leave me alone!
Vous commencez à m’énerver ! = You’re starting to irritate me!
Vous êtes vraiment collant ! Arrêtez maintenant ! = You’re just like glue! Stop right now!
Foutez-moi la paix ! = Leave me alone (this version of ‘leave me alone’ is a tougher and
more impolite expression). But it can help...
Here is a short scenario to give you an idea about how a man might flirt with
a woman...
Vous êtes à la terrasse d’un café (restaurant)
et vous avez commandé le poisson du jour
avec un verre de vin blanc. Soudainement un
homme qui est assis à la table à côté vous
dit :
You are sitting at a table outside in a
café/restaurant and you have ordered the
fish of the day with a glass of white wine.
Suddenly, a man, who is sitting at the table
next to you says:
L’homme : Vous avez choisi un très bon vin
blanc, il ira parfaitement bien avec votre
poisson !
La femme : Ah bon, je ne savais pas, je l’ai
choisi par hasard.
L’homme : Le Pouilly Fuissé, il est excellent
avec ce type de poisson ! Croyez-moi !
Regardez, je suis en train de le boire !
La femme : Vous êtes connaisseur en vin ?
L’homme : Oh vous savez, je ne suis pas
connaisseur mais je connais bien la carte de
ce restaurant. Vous avez un charmant petit
accent ! Vous êtes peut-être anglaise ou
américaine ?
La femme : Oui, je suis anglaise.
L’homme : Je connais un peu l’anglais mais
je le parle très mal. Vous parlez très bien le
français !
La femme : Je suis ici depuis 2 ans mais
mon français n’est pas très bon (elle sourit).
L’homme : Et aussi vous avez un très beau
sourire !
La femme : Merci.
L’homme : Puisque nous mangeons tous les
deux la même chose et que nous buvons le
même vin, ça vous dérangerait si on
partageait la même table ?
La femme : Ecoutez, euh, je...
L’homme : Je ne veux pas m’imposer mais
ça serait sympa de bavarder un peu (grand
sourire).
La femme : D’accord. Pourquoi pas !
The man: you’ve chosen a very good white
wine; it will go perfectly with your fish!
The woman: Oh really, I didn’t know, I
chose it out of the blue.
The man: Le Pouilly Fuissé, it will be
excellent with this type of fish! Believe me!
Look, I’m drinking it.
The woman: You are a connoisseur of wine?
The man: Oh you know, I am not a
connoisseur but I know the menu of this
restaurant very well. You have a charming
little accent! Perhaps, you’re English or
American?
The woman: Yes, I am English.
The man: I know English a bit but I speak it
very badly. You speak very good French!
The woman: I’ve been here for 2 years but
my French isn’t very good (she smiles).
The man: And you have a beautiful smile!
The woman: Thank you.
The man: Since we’re both eating the same
thing and we’re drinking the same wine,
would you mind if we shared the same table?
The woman: Well, listen, I...
The man: I don’t want to impose but it
would be nice to chat a bit (a big smile).
The woman: OK. Why not!
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Tutoyer ou ne pas tutoyer, that is the question
One of the thorniest questions a foreigner living in France can ask is when to use tu and when
to use vous with friends, neighbours, colleagues and casual acquaintances. Whereas the more
formal thee and thou are no longer used in everyday speech in English, the French have
stubbornly clung to this long-standing way of making social distinctions between people. On
the surface, it would seem that tu is used for family members and for close friends and
colleagues and vous for everyone else, but there are many subtle nuances that can be a
formidable stumbling block for anyone trying to answer this question.
In general, you use tu with those you feel close to and enjoy a certain degree of intimacy with.
That, of course, includes family members and people you have close contact with through
work or sporting activities. It is a sign of closer bonds between people. You should also
always use tu with young children. Vous, on the other hand, expresses a degree of respect
and, at the same time, distance and is used for people you come in contact with on a daily
basis and in formal settings. For example, you would never use tu with your baker or butcher
in their shop, unless, of course, you knew them as a close friend. Vous is always de rigueur
when you are first introduced to someone, and it may be that you will never evolve to using tu
with certain individuals in spite of long-standing relationships. In some more traditional and
circumspect circles, husband and wife have been known to use vous with each other out of
respect, and Jean Giono alternated back and forth between vous and tu in his letters to his
mistress of more than 30 years, Blanche Meyer.
But, you have to be careful with tu. It can also be used to express an attitude of superiority
over someone else and to put someone in their proper place socially or culturally. Many
aristocratic families systematically use tu with their servants and household help but would
never, ever tolerate that those same servants use tu with them, even though they may have
been employed by the family for generations. In a totally different social setting, one of the
complaints by young people who come from the troubled subsidized housing projects in
France is the way the police treat them during identity checks and arrests. The police
invariably use tu with them as a sign of a lack of respect and to remind these young people
that they are not worthy of being addressed with vous.
And in certain settings, it might be more appropriate to use vous with someone you normally
say tu to. For example, you might tutoyer your boss at work when you are on a one-on-one
basis with him, but at a company meeting or in a public setting, you would be advised to use
vous. It may vary from one company to the next and it is always advisable to follow the other
persons lead.
The big question, however, is when and how best to move from vous to tu? You will find that
with certain individuals it will soon be clear that a switch to tu would be almost automatic. It
is almost an intuition when you feel you know someone well enough. In most cases, the other
person will make the switch almost without your realizing it, or else he or she will suggest
that you tutoyer one another. When in doubt, follow the other person’s lead. But, if you do
indeed want to initiate using tu with someone, you can always simply ask, “Alors, on se tutoie
?” Just the other day as I was cycling to a spot to watch a stage of the Tour de France, I
struck up a conversation with another cyclist. At first our exchange was all vous, but after
about five minutes he asked me a question and distinctly used tu with me.
Americans in general have a tendency to use tu rather indiscriminately and with nearly
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everyone. The French are quite tolerant with foreigners in such circumstances, but will not
always reciprocate and use tu with someone if the situation doesn’t warrant it. In my younger
years as a university French professor, I viewed this cultural phenomenon as elitist and
discriminatory and I used tu with all of my students and encouraged them to do the same with
me. This policy frequently provoked an uncomfortable reaction from native French students
on our campus, but they soon got used to my equalitarian efforts. However, after living in
France for an extended period of time, I have come to appreciate more fully all the little
nuances involved. For example, I can better understand why when I was directing a studyabroad program in Poitiers a bus driver that we always requested from the bus company for
our group excursions was quite uncomfortable when I began to use tu with him. He was a
truly genuine individual and I felt a great deal of empathy with and closeness to him, and my
use of the informal tu was my way of communicating that to him. It took him a full three
months before I felt that he was really comfortable using tu with me. I am sure now that he
felt that he was just a lowly chauffeur and that he owed the respect of using vous with the
resident director of the study-abroad program. We still exchange Christmas cards after more
than thirty years, and we still use tu with one another.
Roger Stevenson
On se tutoie ?
A short list of expressions you can use to initiate using tu with someone:
Alors, on se tutoie ?
Je peux vous dire “tu” ?
On se dit “tu” ?
Vous ne voulez pas qu’on se tutoie ?
Je me permets de te tutoyer, puisque...
Vous pouvez me tutoyer.
Bien sûr que tu peux me tutoyer !
Conjugation
The conjugation of the two verbs involved follows a similar pattern. Tutoyer and vouvoyer
are conjugated just like any other regular verb that ends in yer.
Je tutoie, tu tutoies, il/elle tutoie, nous tutoyons, vous tutoyez, ils/elle tutoient.
Je vouvoie, tu vouvoies, il/elle vouvoie, nous vouvoyons, vous vouvoyez, ils/elle vouvoient.
And, notice that it can be used in a reciprocal manner se tutoyer, se vouvoyer.
And, notice that it can be used in a reciprocal manner se tutoyer, se vouvoyer.
Communicating with School Teachers in France
Any parents wishing to enrol their child in the French school system should first arm
themselves with a few essential and helpful expressions. Asking simple questions such as
“How is my son doing in class?” or “Can you give me some feed-back on my daughter?” may
at first seem like a difficult task especially when French teachers don’t always welcome
questions at the end of the day while they are getting the kids ready to leave. If that’s the
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case, it is advisable to schedule a meeting with the teacher. In Anglo-Saxon countries,
communication between teachers and parents is perhaps more open and more common than it
is in France. Usually the parents in France need to ask for feed-back. It is common to receive
comments from the teacher when an issue has arisen with the child, but less common to
receive positive feed-back without asking for it. Again it depends on the teacher, but parents
often need to prod for positive feed-back. The quote “no news is good news” is practiced a
lot in the French school system. During the primary years, usually the maîtresse, sometimes
the maître, establishes a written communication notebook between herself and the parents.
Any news, changes or requests will be written in the communication book and the parents
must sign it once they’ve read it. Parents have the opportunity to find out about plans and
changes and participate, if desired, by attending parent/teacher meetings or joining the parents
association (comité des parents) – an excellent opportunity to meet other parents or staff.
You might also want to volunteer to help the maîtresse with any class outings – she will
appreciate it and again it would give you the opportunity to establish a closer rapport with her.
For a birthday, you’re most welcome to bring a cake if you wish to celebrate your child’s
birthday in class – just make sure to let the teacher know at least a few days in advance and
ask what kind of cake to bring (more and more children are allergic to certain foods).
At the end of the school year, if you were happy with the maîtresse, parents are welcome to
give a thank you gift such as flowers, chocolates, a book or anything that might seem
appropriate!
Céline Anthonioz
Here is some useful language that you can use when speaking with the
teacher
Comment ça se passe avec mon fils ? = how is it going with my son?
Pouvez vous m’accorder quelques minutes cette semaine ? = can you give me a few
minutes of your time this week?
Est-ce que ma fille arrive à suivre en classe ? = is my daughter able to follow in class?
Est-ce que mon fils s’entend bien avec les autres enfants ? = is my son getting along well
with the other children?
Pouvez-vous me donner un peu de feed-back sur mon fils ? = can you give me some feedback on my son?
Est-ce que vous pouvez me donner des suggestions pour aider mon fils ? = can you give
me some suggestions on how to help my son at home?
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Births, Weddings, Funerals… The Appropriate Thing to
Do
Several of our readers asked us what should or shouldn’t be done when a French friend,
neighbour or colleague announces to them that there is going to be a birth, wedding or
death in the family. Here are a few tips on handling these often delicate situations.
A new baby
Before
In France you don’t, like in some other countries, give a gift before the birth (some even say
that it would be bad luck …). So you will never be invited to a baby shower like in the US,
for example. Some future mothers don’t even appreciate being congratulated before the baby
is born.
After
When you learn of the birth, then you can congratulate, either by phone, e-mail or by paying a
visit to the mother and the baby at the maternity ward if you are good friends, or a bit later at
home if you don’t know each other very well. Sending or bringing flowers isn’t done very
often in France, some people have problems with allergies. But, of course, you bring with
you a little gift, either baby clothes or a little toy for the child. If you know the mother well,
she might appreciate it if you ask her in advance what she needs most, which would reduce
the chances of her receiving too many of the same age baby clothes. She may just need some
special items other than clothing for the baby. You usually don’t give a formal
greeting/congratulatory card when you go visit the mother. You could send a card in the mail
if you are unable to visit. If you decide to visit the parents at home (wait at least 10 days-2
weeks after the birth, especially as most women in France stay for a week in the hospital or
maternity clinic), it is always appreciated if you inform them in advance and ask them what
would be the best day/time for your visit – and if they invite you to come for a drink or for an
apéritif, bring a bottle of Champagne!
Weddings
In a forthcoming issue of French Accent we plan to revisit the subject of how weddings are
organized in France and how to behave if you are invited, as the subject deserves a more
thorough explanation. Here we offer a few basic and important tips:
Gifts
Most young couples will set up a list of items they need (déposer une liste) in their favourite
gift shop or department store, just like they do in the UK and in the States. Therefore, it is
always best when you learn of a forthcoming wedding to ask first if they have such a list, and
where, and what items on it they need most. A gift is appropriate only when you are invited
either for the wedding ceremony itself, afterwards for drinks or diner and/or the wedding
party, or if you feel you are close friends enough or you feel you have to make this little
gesture. If the married couple is a bit older – a second marriage, for example – and they
obviously aren’t in need of much to set up their household, they will more than likely not
have a wedding list. It will be up to you to decide what kind of present would be most
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appropriate given the personality and tastes of the couple. Sometimes a few friends will go in
together on a gift in order to be able to give something more substantial, like a plane trip, for
example, or sports equipment, or a dishwasher… In any case, it is always better to ask
discreetly close family members or friends for advice.
Invitation
As mentioned above, you can be invited either for the wedding itself, and usually this means
that you will also attend the little drink which will take place right after, or for the wedding
and the diner or lunch. But sometimes diners are reserved for family members.
If you are invited for diner and have special meal requirements (for example, if you are a
vegetarian) it is always better to inform your hosts in advance. They would be embarrassed to
offer you something that you won’t be able to eat. When you go to the party or wedding, you
can just bring a wedding card in which you will mention that a gift has been chosen at the
shop. You can also bring your gift with you if it is small and not too cumbersome. And you
can also bring a little bouquet of flowers for the bride, and/or even for the mother of the bride
who invited you to her home, but there is no need to bring flowers if you are invited to a
restaurant or to a local community hall.
Dress code
This is also something to ask about in advance of those who have invited you, and depends
largely on the type of invitation you receive. If you just go to the wedding and for drinks, a
very simple and elegant dress wear (tenue de ville) would be enough, with a tie for men. For
diners following the wedding ceremony you may wish to be more elegant, but don’t over do
it. The French are less fancy and formal than the British for this type of event.
Funerals
We also plan to do a longer article in a later issue on funerals and traditions in France. For the
time being, it may be helpful to know that when you learn of the death of a close family
member of one of your friends, you first express your deep condolence. And you may wish to
attend the funeral. If you are close friends, the person who informs you may give you all the
details on the phone or when you meet him/her. But usually in France these details will be
published in the local newspaper, with an indication of the type of funeral, and if flowers are
welcome or not, for example. If you wish to send flowers, the best way to do so is to ask your
local flower shop to send them directly to either the cemetery, the mortuary or the church,
according to how the event is organized, with a little personal note attached, a sober message
such as: sincères condoléances et amities (sincere condolences and friendship), with your
name.
Annick Stevenson
Here are a few things that you could say to the future parents (or grandparents) when you learn of the pregnancy:
Oh vraiment ? C’est une bonne nouvelle ! = Oh really? This is a good news!
Vous êtes content(e) n’est-ce pas ? = You are happy, aren’t you?
C’est prévu pour quand ? = When is the baby due?
Comment se porte la maman/comment allez-vous/vas-tu ? = How is the mother/how are
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you?
Tout se passe bien ? = Everything is going well?
Vous savez déjà si ce sera un garçon ou une fille ? Vous voulez le savoir? = Do you know
yet if it will be a boy or a girl? Do you want to know?
Vous avez déjà choisi le prénom ? = Have you chosen the first name already ?
Oh c’est un très joli nom ! = That’s a beautiful name!
After the baby is born, here are a few things to say on the phone or when
you pay a visit:
Félicitations ! = Congratulations!
Comment est-il ce bébé ? A qui ressemble-t-il ? = How is this beautiful baby? Who does
he/she look like?
(usually the reply would indicate his/her size and weight…)
Qu’il est beau, ce bébé ! C’est tout sa maman/papa ! = What a beautiful baby! He/she
looks just like his mom/dad!
Comment s’est passé l’accouchement ? Ce n’était pas trop dur ? = How did the
birth/delivery go? It wasn’t too difficult?
Comment va la maman/comment allez-vous/vas-tu ? = How is the mother/how are you?
Of course, a man would also ask the father how he feels, and a woman would ask the mother
for more details about how the delivery went, and these little things that only women talk
about together.
A few examples of expressions of condolence
Mes plus profondes et sincères condoléances = My deepest and most sincere condolences.
Cela me fait beaucoup de peine/je partage pleinement votre/ta peine = I am very sad/I fully
share your sadness.
C’était une personne formidable, il/elle va beaucoup nous manquer = He/She was a wonderful
person, he/she will be missed a lot.
Si vous avez/tu as besoin de n’importe quoi, d’aide pour quelque chose, ou juste de parler,
n’hésite/z pas, je serais vraiment heureux de t’aider/vous aider, de passer un moment avec
toi/vous, etc… = If you need anything, if you need any help for anything, or if you just need
to talk, don’t hesitate, I would be very happy to help you, to spend some time with you, etc.
As regards religious evocations, be careful; not too many French people are fervent
Catholics, and even fewer practice their religion, therefore it is better to know more about
their belief before approaching the subject. Telling an agnostic or an atheist that you are sure
that it was God’s will, could be offensive. If you don’t know, just forget about it.
L’argot politiquement correct*
Knowing how and when, or not, to use idiomatic slang expressions when talking to a native
speaker of French may be one of the most difficult things for a foreigner to acquire. In the
following article, we offer a few expressions that are commonly used along with examples of
what could be said or not in certain social circumstances (and we will come back to this topic
in subsequent issues). However, one piece of good advice is: when you are not sure whether
or not you should use a slang term, it would be best to refrain! Another tip is that if you want
to try to use slang, it is wiser to use it more in referring to yourself rather than to any other
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person.
Merde !
Well known certainly to all of you is the so called five-letter word (mot de cinq lettres), also
called mot de Cambronne in memory of General Cambronne, one of Napoleon’s officers who
reportedly used it after the Battle of Waterloo when he was forced to surrender to the British
General Colville, at first he refused to do so. It is used often in France, but not it in every
circumstance. The best way to use it is to apply it to yourself when you make an obvious
mistake or miss a shot in any game, for example. It is also acceptable when, at the airport,
you learn that your flight has been delayed or cancelled, or when you just miss the last tram or
subway home, or when you arrive at your favourite shop just as it is closing… In any case, it
is better just to say the word without looking at anyone in particular. If not, the person in
front of you will certainly not appreciate it and could take offense. And, never, under any
circumstance, say merde to a policeman or any other government official…
Putain !
Even if this other basic gros mot means prostitute, you will hear it often from a women’s
mouth. This is one of these tricky expressions which can be used either in a positive or
negative sense. It can be used to express admiration when a person close to you has an
unbelievable success (Putain ! Comment as-tu fait ça ? = Wow! How did you do that?) or
may reflect a serious disappointment, for example if it rains the very day you wanted to go
hiking. (Putain, j’en ai marre de ce temps - or : j’en ai ras le bol de ce temps ! = Rats, I am
fed up with this weather!) Again, you should avoid using it in reference to someone else.
Con !
You cannot live in France and ignore this word, which globally means “stupid”, “useless”,
“idiot”, and is probably the most commonly used expression to qualify almost everyone else
but yourself... But the con is always someone who is not present, of course, in the
conversation. It is obviously better to avoid calling anyone a con to their face, unless, of
course, you use it about another driver who, in a traffic jam that he has caused, is providing
you with a reason to use such a set of mots d’oiseaux (bird words – a nicer way to say
“insult”).
Con is not always an insult though, and can sometimes even express a feeling of pity. In such
would say: il est un peu con mais si gentil, et il fait son possible pour aider… As many other
French expressions it can be declined into other words, such as connasse for a woman,
connard for a man if you want to be more insulting, and it can be used in various other
expressions. You will find a few of the most common ones in the Coin des branchés (page
9).
Salope !
Calling someone une salope is like calling them a bitch, but it is sometimes used to mean
dishonest, and even if it is more frequently used about women, it can apply to men as well.
This is an expression we don’t recommend that you use as it is quite insulting. Therefore,
don’t try to imitate Patrick Devedjian, the new General Secretary of the French political party
UMP (the party of President Sarkozy) who used it on 28 June, not discreetly enough, while
talking in public in referring to Anne-Marie-Comparini, from the centrist party UDF. Since
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then, he has had to apologize and explain himself on numerous occasions.
Bordel !
The French version of a brothel is sometimes used to express disappointment in the same way
as with putain, but most of the time it means: a big mess. It is totally acceptable, when you
receive a couple of French friends, to tell them: Ne regardez pas le bordel dans la pièce, les
enfants ont joué toute la journée dans la maison ! = Don’t look at the mess in the room, the
kids played the whole day at home! However, you may prefer not to use it if you receive a
very bourgeois middle-age couple… You can also use it to tell the story of a very complicated
formality you went through recently: Quel bordel pour obtenir une carte grise en France ! =
What a bloody ordeal to get car registration papers in France! And to express a total disgust
about something you can add: Bordel de merde ! These are the slang expressions you may
hear your local garagiste (car mechanic) use when he is unable to fix the problem on your car.
However, it’s best not to use it yourself, especially in polite company, but you could always
say it for a very private audience of close friends or family.
Annick Stevenson
*See also “Le coin des bran chés”.
Putain d’camion: a French song by Renaud
Putain c'est trop con
Ce putain d' camion
Mais qu'est-ce qu'y foutait là
Putain de vie d' merde
T'as roulé dans l'herbe
Et nous, tu nous plantes là...
(Damn, it’s too stupid
That bloody truck
What the hell was it doing there?
What a damned shitty life
You were sent sprawling in
the grass
And you leave us behind)
This is the first paragraph of a song, Putain de camion written by the French singer Renaud
after the accidental death in 1984, at the age of 41, of the famous French humorist Coluche
(While riding his motorcycle, he was unable to avoid running into a truck that crossed into his
lane of traffic).
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