April fool`s Edition! Édition Poisson d`avril!

April fool’s Edition!
Édition Poisson d’avril!
Le 1 avril 2004 / April 1, 2004
Come to a Lecture!
April 1, 2004
“Non-Occurrence of Functional
Cerebral Tissue in Operators
of Intra-Municipal Vehicular Conveyances”
Speaker: Dr. Sal Profilo, Department of
Neurosurgery
Time: Noon – 1:00 p.m.
Location: Erehwon Lecture Hall
(F-139)
Dr. Profilo will discuss scientific findings that
confirm the long-held suspicion that Montreal
drivers have no brains whatsoever.
Expansion of Medical Services
An exhaustive review of medical services at
the Jewish General Hospital has led to
creation of three new interdisciplinary
sub-specialties, to be introduced this spring.
“We’ve long felt that some aspects of patient
care were simply not being addressed,” says
Dr. Spiro Fallo, who headed the year-long
study.
The following sub-specialties will be
launched in the coming months:
Pre-Natal Psychiatry – Fetal counselling will
help minimize the potential for future
antagonism between parents and children.
Heart-to-heart discussions with the unborn
will be conducted using various DIUCDs
(digital inter-uterine communications
devices).
Podiatric Dentistry – The rise of Political
Correctness has resulted in an explosive
increase in blunders, gaffes and various other
faux pas, collectively known as Foot in Mouth
Syndrome. To provide relief to beleaguered
patients, JGH will now be able to offer
services that surgically remove the pedal
extremity from the oral cavity.
“If these new divisions are well received,”
says Dr. Fallo, “we’ll be looking at other
means of extending the exciting mandate for
change. Our next challenge is to find some
way of integrating veterinary medicine into
the JGH’s activities.”
Capital Campaign for New Institute
Fund-raising begins in earnest this summer for the
JGH’s newest research facility, the Michael Jackson
Institute for Celebrity Medicine.
The $135-million, state-of-the-art institute will
provide all-inclusive medical services to famous
people from all walks of life, thereby greatly
enhancing the hospital’s international reputation.
If all goes as planned, the new complex will open
its doors in 2006 on property just north of the JGH.
Need for such a facility has only recently been
recognized, as a result of the rapid proliferation of
cable TV channels and major Internet sites. This
has led to a huge increase in the number of
celebrities and the debilitating ailments they face.
“Sadly, it’s a demographic group that just hasn’t
received the medical attention it so badly needs,”
says project co-ordinator Opra Follis. “Just because
the hospital intends to keep providing treatment
to nobodies, does that mean celebrities have to
suffer?
“Besides, do you know how valuable it would be
for a pop diva to tell Letterman that the JGH put a
band-aid on her boo-boo? That’s the kind of
publicity you just can’t buy.”
Preliminary plans call for the Institute to conduct
pioneering work in the fields of
stagefright-induced trauma, psychological abuse
by supermarket tabloids, and group therapy for
celebrities’ pets.
In the Britney Spears Marital Counselling Centre,
celebrities will also be able to obtain lifesaving
information on making their marriages last not
just for days, but possibly for many, many months.
Ms. Follis says the biggest challenge will be to
devise a means test to determine exactly who is a
celebrity. “After all, without exclusivity what’s the
point?
“If all you’ve got is a six-page Website or a halfhour cable show about car repair, you’ll just have
to go and sit in Admitting with the rest of the
unwashed masses.”
Blagues de Poisson d’avril
Quels sont les
bateaux préférés
des vampires?
Les vaisseaux
sanguins!
Un homme sur la
glace sort sa scie
et sa canne à
pêche, et
commence à
découper un trou
dans la glace. Á ce
moment la,
une voix glacée,
résonnante et forte tombée du ciel: « IL
N’Y A PAS DE POISSONS ICI! »
L’homme, stupéfait, s’arrête, regarde
autour de lui, ne voit personne et
continue. « IL N’A PAS DE POISSONS
ICI! » Encore une fois, il s’arrête et
tend l’oreille…Inquiet, il reprend son
travail. « IL N’A PAS DE POISSONS
ICI!!! » L’homme, paralyse par la peur,
s’arrête et demande: « Mais, qui
parle? »
« LE DIRECTEUR DE LA
PATINOIRE! »
Une infirmière entre dans la chambre
d’un malade qui va être opéré dans
quelques minutes et le trouve en plein
sommeil: « Réveillez-vous, lui dit-elle
en le secouant, on doit vous
endormir! »
Deux poissons discutent:
Poisson 1: Comment ça va?
Poisson 2: Pas bien du tout, je suis
déprimé…
Poisson 1: Allez, prends un ver, ça va
te remonter!