Ngàn Truyện Cười Đủ Loại

Ngàn Truyện Cười Đủ Loại
The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife,
seeing the unexpected BEHAVIOR, asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her
coat. He says, "Where the hell are you going"?
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need?"
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said:
- That's no problem. How many do you want?
The man answered,
- Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one into four pieces.
The pharmacist said,
- That won't do you any good
The elderly gentleman said,
- That's all RIGHT. I'm over 80. I don't need them for sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I
don't pee on my shoes."
An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell him
Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.
- No, not worth it!
- Okay, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?
- No, not worth it!
- Okay, 20?
- No, not worth it!
- How about 10?
- No, not worth it!
- Listen, these pills cost US$10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?
- Oh, the pills are worth it. My wife is not worth it.
What is the difference between your first honeymoon and your second?
The first: Niagara; the second: Viagra.
A woman complained to her Doctor that her husband never wanted sex anymore. He gave her a bottle of
Viagra pills, telling her to put them in her husband`s drink and her husband would be recharged. The woman
was filled with doubt, but she put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made love.
The next night she put two viagra`s in his coffee and that night the sex was ecstatic. The next night she said
"What the hell!" and dumped the whole bottle in his coffee.
Sometime later the Doctor called to check on his patient`s progress. The woman`s son answered the phone.
When the Doctor asked how everyone was going, the boy replied:
- Mom`s dead, Sis left home, the maid`s pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad is buck naked in the yard yelling,
"Here, kitty, kitty."
A rich Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap,
a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is
Jewish. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here,
bartender, but not for the Jew over there." Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a
big smile, waves at him, then says,
"Thank you !" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the Arab.
He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the
Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you !"
He does this once again for the third time, and again, not the Jew. He receives the same response. The Arab
gets real cranky so he asks the bartender:
" What the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar, all 100
of them but him, and all the silly bastard does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts ? "
"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place.
What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The
day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me
what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she
would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various
topics which would lead to other questions. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more
painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with
the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the
reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have
another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the
nuts."
Lovers help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Essence of this truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats." but, none of them touch the
man's privates and say, "Good job."
Essence of this truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass hole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems but then neither does milk.
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
How bedroom smells after marriage:
1st 3 yrs---Perfumes, Flowers, Chocolate, Fruits..
After 3 yrs---Baby powder, Johnson's, Baby creams, Lotions, Baby oils..,
After 15 yrs---Zandu Balm, Vicks, Iodex, Relispray..
After 40 yrs---Agarbatti..., incense.
Four stages of marriage: Mad for each other, Made for each other, Mad at each other, Mad because of each
other
What's Marriage?
Marriage is the 7th sense of humans that destroys all the six senses and makes the person non sense...!
Definition of happy couple:
He does what she wants… she does what she wants.
Wife: Dear, this computer is not working as per my command.
Husband: Exactly darling! its a computer, not a Husband!!!
'Laughing at your own mistakes, can lengthen your life."- Shakespeare
"Laughing at your wife's mistakes, can shorten your life."- Shakespeare's Wife
………….
Une fille va voir son père et lui demande :
- Papa, je n' ai pas compris. Mon copain m' a dit que j'avais un joli châssis, deux beaux amortisseurs et un
magnifique pare-chocs.
- Qu'est-ce que ça veut dire ?
- C’est rien, ce sont des termes de mécanique, souvent employés par les hommes… Et tu diras à ton copain
de ma part, que s'il ouvre le capot pour mettre de l'huile dans le moteur, je lui arrache son levier de vitesse.
Un petit garçon arrive en courant et il dit à sa mère:
- Maman, j'ai vu le coq s'accoupler 10 fois ce matin!
Sa mère lui répond :
- Va donc dire ça à ton père, il va comprendre ...
Le jeune va voir son père et lui dit :
- Papa, maman m'a dit de te dire que j'ai vu le coq s'accoupler 10 fois ce matin!
Son père lui demande :
- Est-ce que les 10 fois c'était avec la même poule?
- Non!
- Alors va le dire à ta mère, elle va comprendre
Suite à une crise cardiaque, un homme subit une chirurgie à cœur ouvert. ll se réveille après l'opération et se
trouve soigné par des religieuses dans un hôpital catholique. Comme il retrouvait ses esprits, une religieuse lui
demande comment il allait payer ses soins. Elle lui demande s'il a une assurance maladie. Il répond d'une
petite voix encore faible:
- pas d'assurance maladie
Elle lui demande:
- Avez-vous de l'argent à la banque?
Il répond:
- Pas d'argent à la banque".
Elle poursuit:
- Avez-vous un membre de votre famille qui peut vous aider?
Il dit :
- je n’ai qu'une sœur, vieille-fille, qui est religieuse dans un couvent.
La sœur se fâche et lui dit:
- Les religieuses ne sont pas des vieilles-filles, elles sont mariées à Dieu!
Et le patient de lui répondre:
- Alors envoyez la facture à mon beau frère.