Counseling - Basic Marriage Counseling

Counseling - Basic Marriage Counseling
Introduction
Marriage is something absolutely amazing. – Perhaps not every day. It is
perfectly normal for us to desire a close relationship with one of the
opposite sex.
Gen 2:18 & 24 Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man
should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”.
Und Gott der HERR sprach: Es ist nicht gut, daß der Mensch allein sei; ich
will ihm eine Gehilfin machen, die ihm entspricht!
These days people can’t wait to be married, but once married they can’t
wait to be single again
Pre-marriage counsel
As a Pastor you know what I’m talking about.
1) You talk about
a) Responsibilities – Man and women - Finances
b) Agape Love vs. Feelings
c) The order in the house
d) Sexual relationship
e) Communication
2) People say, yeah no problem – we love each other
a) Feelings – But how are the feelings in the morning at 6am?
i) Seeing each other only on weekends vs. Every day
3) Sometimes things go an unexpected route – it’s complicated
a) Finances, unplanned children, losing a job.
b) It leads to problems
One basic principle
Don’t counsel the other person – have both of them around
There are always two sides of the story
1
www.kingschambers.org | www.bestler.ch
Manuel Bestler
Marriage Counsel
The fruits of the flesh (lust, bitterness, strive, jealousy divisions)
1) The first love
a) The special place in your heart
i) Explain First love (Feelings, Memories, Heartbreak)
b) Letting go of the First love
i) It’s a kind of inner Healing
ii) Enables you to accept your spouse for what he/she really is
c) Example:
i) Presenting a problem: We have continual conflict
ii) Causes: She could not do anything right
iii) Root: He compared her in his heart to the first love
2) Unresolved attachment to the parents
Gen 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and
shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
Darum wird der Mensch seinen Vater und seine Mutter verlassen und
seinem Weibe anhangen, daß sie zu einem Fleische werden.
a) Marry your Father or your Mother
i) The mommy’s boy & the daddy’s girl
b) Living Close with the parents /parents in law
i) The poor wife must do everything like the mother in law does
ii) You need time to develop your own family life and household
3) The Order in the House
Ephesians 5:22 & 25 (22-33)
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave
himself up for her
Die Frauen seien ihren eigenen Männern untertan, als dem Herrn;
Ihr Männer, liebet eure Frauen, gleichwie auch Christus die Gemeinde
geliebt und sich selbst für sie hingegeben hat,
a) Submit to your husband
2
www.kingschambers.org | www.bestler.ch
Manuel Bestler
i) The Husband who loves being taken care off
ii) True submission - Not only yes, yes (from heart as to the lord)
iii) The Lord is your righteousness – let him deal with the husband
iv) The wife’s rebellion causes strive and
b) Love your wife – Not a couch-emperor
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. (Col
3:19)
i) Selfless love – as Christ loved his church
ii) Agape Love – not feelings, not physical
iii) Act and speak – Decide to do so (f. ex. Buy a rose)
c) From a purpose-built affiliation back to a love relationship
i) Although it started with love, it can become purposeful.
ii) Only looking at your own benefit
iii) Proverbs 10:12 Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all
offenses.
d) Paul’s conclusion we read in Ephesians 5:32-33 This mystery is
profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.
However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the
wife see that she respects her husband.
Dieses Geheimnis ist groß; ich aber sage es in Bezug auf Christum
und auf die Versammlung. Doch auch ihr, ein jeder von euch liebe
sein Weib also wie sich selbst; das Weib aber, daß sie den Mann
fürchte.
4) Communication
a) What you send can differ from what arrives
i) Speaking Words (Irony, cynic)
ii) Acts (Body language misinterpret)
b) Open your mouth and SPEAK
i) Speak about love
ii) Speak about everything
c) Temperaments
i) Expressive vs. Analytical
3
www.kingschambers.org | www.bestler.ch
Manuel Bestler
ii) Amiable vs. Driver
d) Shouting vs. Hinting
i) Train to talk from your heart
ii) Train to listen without to interrupt
Sexual Relationship
I Cor 7:3-4 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and
likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority
over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not
have authority over his own body, but the wife does..
Der Mann leiste der Frau die schuldige Pflicht, ebenso aber auch die Frau
dem Manne. Die Frau verfügt nicht selbst über ihren Leib, sondern der
Mann; gleicherweise verfügt aber auch der Mann nicht selbst über seinen
Leib, sondern die Frau.
In most cases it’s not the problem of the physical part, but is based on
deeper Issues.
1) Pre marital sexual intercourse
a) Breaking the link to all the husbands/wives
Gen 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother,
and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
Darum wird ein Mann seinen Vater und seine Mutter verlassen und
seinem Weibe anhangen, und sie werden ein Fleisch sein.
b) Feelings of condemnation
i) Inner healing, confess the sin
c) Example: Blockage to open herself to the husband
2) Lust and Pornography
a) Demonic Bondage
b) Forms pictures / expectations
c) Lust can cause the other to close
3) Lack of love/communication in the relationship
4
www.kingschambers.org | www.bestler.ch
Manuel Bestler